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Dragon Quest True Best Equipment Guide
So, I want to make a clear and concise guide for any players who recently picked up Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age and Have finally entered the Post Game or for people who have already played the game and just want to make sure they have the best gear. If I make any mistakes, please let me know! First, lets start with the Accessories for each character: The best accessory in the game Hands Down is the Catholicon Ring. 2 For each character ensures you will not have to deal with ill effects such as sleep or confusion. This means you will need 16 gold bars, 160 perfect panacea, 32 royal rubies, and 48 Red Wood … Goodluck! You can craft this ring through the book Kings of the Rings, found in a chest in the Disciple's Trial - Cruel Crypt Some Key books you will need for forging (a lot of weapons require these; I usually refer to these when I say forging): Hero's Book of Basic Weapons, is found in the Tower of Lost Time. >! A Hero's Book of Better Weapons , found in the Disciple's Trial - Eerie Valley!< >! A Hero's Book of Brilliant Weapons, found by getting all wishes from Drustan.!< Big Hitters of the Battlefield, found in the Luminary's Trial - Citadel Of Spite Making Things with Metal Kings, obtainable after turning in 110 mini medals Note: u/n00bavenger brought up a great point about armor. For a lot of characters, Exotoga and Seraph's Robe can be better than some of the armor I have listed. Its your choice but some of these can be better or worse than the armor listed below. These will help you get a majority of the best gear. If a item is listed with no item location, presume you can get it from the above books. First, lets start with the Hero. Hero Weapons: I cant really recommend anything as all are great, but dual wielding is good for damage and shield is good for defense. Your choice.
For Swords, the best swords are the Supreme Sword of Light and the Hypernova Sword. These dual wielding will net you the most damage. You can get these item through: The story for the Supreme Sword of Light, if choosing "give me a powerful weapon" from Drustan and through the forge for the Hypernova Sword. You will need the sword you obtain from the fortress of fear or First Forest Whale Way Station if missed.
For Sword and Shield, the best sword is the Supreme Sword of Light and the best shield is Erdwin's Shield, exclusive to the Hero. You can get Erdwin's shield from: 100 minimedals turned in.
For Greatswords, the best Greatsword is the Brilliant Blade. You can get this item by: Completing the Wheel of Harma: Final Trial.
For Headgear, the best gear is Erdwin's Coronet. You can get this item by: Chests in the Luminary's Trial: Citadel of Spite.
For Armor, the best gear is Erdwin's Tunic. You can get this item through Chests in the Luminary's Trial: Citadel of Spite.
Erik Weapons: I would recommend daggers for their status effects, but its your choice.
For Daggers, the best daggers are the Dynamo Dagger and the Timeshear. These items are obtainable through: the forge for the Dynamo Dagger. You will need the Dagger you obtain from turning in 65 Mini medals at L'Académie de Notre Maitre des Médailles, Upgrade through aforementioned books. The Timeshear is obtainable through The forge, with a aforementioned book.
Swords: The best swords are the Metal King Sword and the Hell Sabre. The Metal King Sword is found through: the aforementioned books. The Hell Sabre is found through a 1/128 drop chance from a Barbatos found at Mount Huji or Champs Sauvage Whale Way Station.
Boomerangs: The best Boomerangs are the Galaxarang and Hunter's Moon (has lower attack than the Metal King Goomerang but the Hunter's Moon does full damage). You can get the Galaxarang through: the forge, obtaining the Meteorang through the Manglegrove Whale Way station. You can get the Hunter's Moon through: forging. You can get the Metal King Goomerang from the aforementioned books at the top.
For Headgear, the best headgear is the Pirate King's Cap, obtainable from Lonalulu post game quest; saving Kai at the strand.
For Armor, the best armor is the Pirate King's Coat, obtainable from Cobblestone's shop after repairing it.
Veronica Weapons: I would recommend Heavy Wands
Heavy wands: Aurora Staff (or God Bird Sceptre, but I personally would recommend this on Rab due to the unnecessary use for Veronica , given her high magical might already (999 with best equipment), plus the special effect is good on her and this Staff gives her more Mending.) You can get this weapon through wheel of harma 3rd trial and then upgrading the weapon through aforementioned books.
Whips: Hellbeast's Leash (or Über Gringham Whip but I give that to Sylvando since I think Sylvando has more uses for it compared to Veronicas heavily favored magic side). This can be found through Forging in the aforementioned books
For Headgear, The best headgear is the Crown of Eternity, obtainable from >! Forging, from a recipe book in the Sage’s Trial – Hoarder’s Keep !<
For Armor, the best armor is the Gown of Eternity, obtainable from same as Crown; Forging.
Serena Weapons: I would recommend Wand + shield
For Wand and Shield, The best wand is the Faerie King's Cane and the Metal King Shield. These are obtainable through Wheel of Harma Final Trial for The Faerie King's Cane and the Shield through Aforementioned books.
For Dual wielding, the best wands are the Faerie King's Cane and the Sceptre of Time. The Sceptre of Time is available through>! the book If I Could Turn Back Time found in Luminary's Trial: Citadel of Spite.!<
For Spears, the best spear for her would be the Metal King Spear, found in aforementioned books
Headgear: The best headgear is Serenica's Circlet Found in the Sage's Trial - Fierce Forest
Armor: The best armor is Serenica's Surplice found in the Luminary's Trial - Citadel Of Spite
Sylvando Weapons (based on charm): Primarily whatever gives you the most charm as those are the abilities you will use most
Whips: The best whip is the Über Gringham Whip, obtainable through aforementioned books, with the base weapon available at the Octagonia Casino for 750,000 Tokens
Swords: The best Swords are two Shamshir of Light. The Shamshir of Light is obtainable through Aforementioned books (can craft multiple)
Knives: The best knives are two El Stupendo. El Stupendo can be found through aforementioned books (can craft multiple)
Shield: Sylvando can have a shield with all his weapons besides the whip, so if you do not want to dual wield, use either the Shamshir of Light or El Stupendo with the Metal King Shield, Obtained through aforementioned books or if you are going for a pure charm build (although I would recommend some defense) then the Silver Shield is your best bet, obtainable at the trial island shop (33000)
Headgear: The best headgear is the Tiara Tremendísima, Found in the Recipe Book: Glam Gear for Go-Getters, from turning in 90 minimedals
Armor: The best armor is the Gladder Rags, found in the same book as the headgear
Rab Weapons: Wands are highly recommended
Heavy Wands: Best wand is the Godbird Sceptre, but this can be swapped with Veronicas aforementioned Heavy Wand. The Godbird Sceptre can be found in Tickington, after Clearing the Hall of Remembrance - Level 3
Claws: Best Claws are the Xenlon Claws, found through Upgrading the weapon received from the Wheel of Harma: Third Trial and using the aforementioned books.
Headgear: Apollo's Crown is the best headgear, obtained through the Recipe Book: A Guide to Godly Get-Up, rewarded for completing the Wheel of Harma's Final Trial
Armor: Potentate’s Pallium is the best armor, obtained through the recently mentioned book
Jade Weapons: Spears are preferred
Spears: Split-Pot Poker found through upgrading the weapon you receive through>! a chest in either the Fortress of Fear or the First Forest Whale Way Station!<
Claws: Personally, claws are useless, but I would recommend the Deicimators (the Xenlon claws are better but the Deicimators are exclusive to Jade. You can swap them with Rab but in my opinion they are useless). You can get the Deicimators through the aforementioned books
Gear: (In the switch version, there is a gear that makes you literally invincible, so I will list the best gear and the kinda cheaty gear.)
Headgear: The Xenlon Hair Ring found through the recipe book Shine On, Xenlon, obtained in the Wheel of Harma - Fourth Trial
Armor: The best cheaty invincible armor is the Hare-Raising Suit, obtained from defeated the incredibly difficult Superboss The Timewyrm, after beating Calasmos and Tickington (End of Time)
Armor: The best non-cheaty armor would be the Xenlon Gown, obtained from the aforementioned book
Eight(Hendrik) Weapons: Anything works, but I prefer Axe and shield
Axes: The best axes are the Galaxy Axe and the Kairos Cleaver. The Galaxy Axe's base weapon can be obtained from a chest in The Battleground and upgraded through aforementioned books The Kairos Cleaver can be obtained through aforementioned books
Greatswords: The second best Greatsword is the Metal King Gooreatsword (the Brilliant Blade is the best but I prefer that on Hero but you can swap the two). This can be obtained through Aforementioned books
Swords: The best Swords are Drustan's Sword and the Metal King Sword. You can get Drustan's Sword in the Luminary's Trial - Citadel Of Spite and the Metal King Sword through aforementioned books
Shield: You can dual wield everything but Greatswords, so the best Shield for when you're not dual wielding is Drustan's Shield, obtainable from the Sage's Trial - Hoarder's Keep. This is best paired with the Galaxy Axe or Drustan's Sword
Headgear: Drustan's Helm, found in The Disciple's Trial - The Eerie Valley
Armor: Drustan's Armour, found in The Luminary's Trial - Citadel Of Spite
Finally, For item farming, the best characters with accessories and gear are: Erik: Accessories are Pirate King's Pendant and Bunny tail. The best armor for him is the Vest for Success Jade: Two bunny tails and Uniforme Chic de l'Académie Veronica: Two bunny tails and Uniforme Chic de l'Académie Serena: Two bunny tails and Uniforme Chic de l'Académie The Bunny Tails can be stolen/dropped by Bunicorns The Uniforme Chic de l'Académie can be bought at the Quester's Rest in the Alter of the Starry Skies book in Tickington The Pirate King's Pendant can be obtained through post game story events The Vest for Success can be found through the quest Richie's Rock-Hard Roulette Challenge (Octagonia) I really hope this guide goes appreciated. If I missed anything or I got something wrong let me know. If the spoiler text is too much, let me know and I will remove it.
Feel Free To Use This or Share This Without Credit as I Just Want to Be Helpful!
Hey all, Here is a rundown of the details of each gang, ranging from sphere of influence, crimes, uniforms, where they reside and how they make money in Night City. If you keep up to date with the lore, most of this information will not be new to you, so don't expect anything fancy. This is mainly for those who want some basic information on each of the gangs, and don't invest a lot of time into the lore. Hence, this information is kept very basic and straight forward. If you want a video format of this information, here is a link, but I highly suggesting reading it, as well as other material too! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI13y1xF63o Most of this information can be found directly on the Cyberpunk Wiki: https://cyberpunk.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Gangs The Maelstrom Gang The Maelstrom Gang is the most dangerous of Night City's gangs. With 1300 members, they reside within the Watson district, and spawned from the remains of a previous gang called the Metal Warriors. When this gang was almost fully wiped out, the Maelstrom gang replaced it, and grew exponentially in size. They took shelter in Watson, within a pig slaughterhouse called the All Food Plant. This is where the brains of their organisation stays. The Maelstrom specialise with illegal medicines and drugs, being their primary form of income. Before selling these, they usually acquire such illicit objects from organised raids and hit jobs on whoever they deem needs to be taken out. They do not discriminate - they will kill anyone and anything to get to the top, and to get what they want. Think of them a lot like the Mafia - very organised and structural, where you need to do your part for the organisation, otherwise it's game over for you. Like many of the gangs in Night City, they own a club, called the Totentanz Club. It is said to be the most popular of all clubs in Night City that are owned by a gang. They also have their own uniform, containing clothes of leather and chrome, alongside their array of high-tech cyberware. Their kind of gang structure has a particular name for it - a Boostergang. These are gangs with members who often enhance themselves with cybernetics. In fact, many Maelstrom members are Cyberpsychos - a mental illness of identity loss due to an excessive amount of cyberware on one's body. They lose a sense of what and who they are. But they know one thing - they serve the Maelstrom, and they kill for the Maelstrom Gang. The Maelstrom are lead by Simon Randall, a.k.a Royce. V will have the opportunity to eliminate Royce in the quest 'Going Pro', where you must find a Flathead spiderbot through infultrating the Maelstrom headquarters. The Maelstrom, being the most dangerous gang in Night City, have an Extreme Threat Level in Night City. Look out for them, because they will look out for you. The Scavengers The Scavengers are a nasty gang that inhabit all of Night City, with a particular presense in Pacifica and Heywood. Similar to the Maelstrom Gang, they are ruthless, and will attack anyone or anything. But they have their own method. Instead of organised crime, any of their members simply attack weak and innocent people. They have ties to the Soviet Union, with many of their members being fluent in Russian, as well as very involved within the culture. Their uniform consists of tracksuits, cyberware and tattoos. The name of the game for the Scavengers is as the name suggests - scavenging. This gang kidnaps people and forcibly harvests everything they can from their victims. Organ harvesting proves profitable for them. But most importantly, they will take the cyberware from their victims. As such, they are filthy rich from distributing their looted cyberware off to other gangs, ripperdocs, and a range of other criminals. If the Scavengers aren't scavenging, they're committing other crimes such as common assault, mutilation and dismemberment of whomever they please. When you roam in Night City, look for Russian graffitti to sniff out the presence of the Scavengers, otherwise, they might find you first. Within Night City, they have a Medium Threat level. Voodoo Boys The Voodoo Boys take their name to heart, with very tribalistic and cult-like activities in Night City, primarily in the District of Pacifica. They came to birth after Haiti and Dominica were devasted by natural disasters in the 2060s. Upon migrating into Night City, they started their own community of criminals. They like to keep their blood strong, maintaining members to only be of Haitian and Dominican descent alike. The Voodoo Boys are classified as a terrorist or nihilist gang - a gang that commits abnormal atrocities, and don't have any meaning in life other than to cause harm to others. They have several hundreds of members, and are the best in the business when it comes to non-synthetic drugs. But there is one thing that they are even better at. The Voodoo Boys are the kings of the Net. Many of their members are Netrunners, who love to freeze neural networks, and plant viruses on the Net to take down many of their targets. In fact, their primary source of income is through hacking databases and accounts, stealing both important data and of course, money. Their main targets are big corporations. Their other goal with the Net is to breach the Blackwall - a virtual wall to protect against free A.Is causing chaos, of which the Voodoo Boys believe Free A.Is would be beneficial. This means the gang is at odds with the organisation that protects the Blackwall - namely, Netwatch. Cosmetics and uniforms for the Voodoo Boys consist of tattoos, piercings, implants, cybernetics, dreadlocks, and charms made of bones. They are scary, both physically, and virtually throughout the Net. The Voodoo Boys are led by Brigitte, a deadly Netrunner whom V will certainly encounter in Cyberpunk 2077, as well as her second-in-command, Placide. Their threat level throughout Night City is quite low, however they are by far the most dangerous gang on the Net - it's their territory. Animals The main rival for the Voodoo Boys in the physical world is a gang that is just as crazy - the Animals. The Animals likewise reside within Pacifica, leading the two gangs to often go head-to-head. They're an aggressive street-fighting gang who love enhancing their bodies with cyberware, supplements, and their special drug called 'the Juice'. This drug increases speed and strength, making members of the Animals gang particularly deadly in a one-on-one fight out in the street. The Animals are just as deadly as the Maelstrom out and about in the city, performing deadly attacks on residents and other gangs. With over 2500 members, they have hundreds of small packs, or groups, that carry out these attacks by the day and night. You will often find Animals members as bouncers or hired muscle, as well as in the fighting minigames, as their raw strength and ferocity proves useful in these scenarios. If you do see one, they'll typically be seen with cybernetics, implanted muscles, plastic surgery and skin modifications to ramp up their ferocious and bestial physiques. These attributes has led to the gang being classified as a Combat Gang, a.k.a a gang that centers around a Warrior Code. The Animals are possibly the most well versed and profitable in the world of illicit and black-market drug dealing. This is their main method of income creation, on top of other crimes like racketeering. The gang is led by their ad-hoc leader, Sasquatch, who is incredibly strong through her use of steroids, and has a sledgehammer as her weapon of choice. The 2019 Deep Dive revealed a quest where you can infiltrate their base and have the option to kill Sasquatch. The consequences are yet to be revealed, if you kill her, or leave her to live. The decision is yours. The Animals are a High Level Threat within Night City. 6th Street The 6th Street came to be after the 4th Corporate War, where Veterans of the war decided to make their own gang as the NCPD was incompetent in protecting them against the local gangs. With 2300 strong, these American patriots believe solely in bringing justice to the city. Their primary activities consist of robbery, extortion and gun smuggling within their home districts, Santo Domingo and Heywood. These activities may also spill over to the Badlands, where they have extensive connections to many of the Nomads in that area. Another way they make money is through protecting local businesses upon the provision that they pay tribute to the gang for such protection. Their other speciality is to do with vehicles. Not only do they run taxi services around Night City, but they steal and modify cars using Techies, and then sell them afterwards. The 6th Street gang is often not on the friendly side of other gangs as they wish to rid of many of the other gangs. The NCPD hence tolerates the 6th Street gang, as they assist the police in dealing with plenty of criminals in the streets. The 6th Street gang has a Medium Threat Level within Night City. Valentinos The Valentinos are a traditionalist-style gang located within the district of Heywood. It is one of the largest gangs, housing 6000 members, all mostly of Latino descent. This is understandly why our main man Jackie Wells used to be a member within the gang. The gang is motivated by a different cause than most others. To seduce women. The more prestigious and unobtainable the woman is, the better the target for seduction by the members of the gang. In true traditionalist fashion, they hold some old-school values high, like justice, honour and brotherhood, and will defend these values to the death. They are also quite religious, but no concrete details of their religious activities have been revealed just yet. Unlike most other gangs, they are open to who joins the gang, and they are extremely territorial. Also different to other gangs, they head up a lot of legitimate businesses in Night City. You'll find many Valentinos managing restaurants, nightclubs, car workshops, construction companies and more. But don't be fooled. They still love your run-of-the-mill criminal activities. The Valentinos are particularly fond of gun smuggling, theft, trafficking, burglaries, hit jobs, and almost every other crime you can think of. Like the 6th Street gang, they receive payments to protect members of the neighbourhood and their businesses. This often puts the Valentinos and the 6th Street gang at odds with each other within Heywood. Be very careful who you mess with in Heywood, as you might find one of these gangs coming after you soon after. Valentino clothing is very bright, colourful and shiny, with jewellery, tattoos and colourful clothes being worn often. It will be hard to miss a Valentino in the streets. The gang has a Medium to High Threat Level in Night City. Tyger Claws The Tyger Claws are a large Japanese gang found in Night Cit, centered primarily within the districts of Westbrook and Watson. They came to fruitition when the Asian community within Night City was under poor protection around the year 2045. After teaming up with the mega corporation Arasaka, they were able to grow into a strong combat gang, just like the Animals, but with a much stronger focus on defense. This means that they are quite controlling of their own territory, and will defend it at any cost. The gang consists of around 5500 members, most of which are very old-school in their methods of combat. Their weapons of choice don't involve cyberware like all the other gangs. The Tyger Claws much prefer to use martial arts, strong reflexes and traditional Japanese weapons like the Katana. This doesn't stop them from being a very potent threat within Night City - they know combat all too well. The Tyger Claws own the most legiitimate businesses out of all the other gangs. Bars, resturants, braindance outlets, brothels and casinos. You name it, they own it. Many of them can be found in Japantown, a beautiful sub-district of Westbrook. The crown jewel of their assets and their operations, the Clouds Nightclub can be found here. Behind the scenes, these businesses can also act as tools for illicit activities like money laundering and manufacturing drugs. But this doesn't name all of their income earners. The Tyger Claws also love human trafficking and prostitution. Their poor treatment of women in the sex industry led to the creation of their rival gang, who we will discuss after this. Crimes for the Tyger Claws are like any other. Assault, torture, abduction, hit jobs, murder and street fighting. They commit these crimes in their signature uniforms and visual identifiers - katanas, fast street bikes, luminated tattoos and tantos, which are like small knives. The Tyget Claws gang poses a Medium to High Level Threat to Night City. Moxes The Moxes are the newest edition to the gangs of Night City. They formed just eleven years before the events of Cyberpunk 2077,. The gang rose in power after their leader, Elizabeth Lizzie Borden was murdered by the Tyger Claws. She was murdered after killing 3 members of the Tyger Claws, who raped a prostitute who worked for Lizzie. This bar, is of course Lizzie's Bar, where we can find the braindance technician Judy Alvarez, who is also a member of the Moxes Gang. They own a few other brothels as well around the city, where they can extend their work in the sex industry. The Moxes gang's HQ is in Lizzie's Bar, which is located in the Watson District, in the sub-district called Kabuki. Here, the Moxes gang makes most of their income from the sex work that occurs in this braindance club. The gang is therefore primarily composed of around 250 sex workers, punks, anarchists and sexual minorities, who value the protection of the working class against violence and abuse. As to be expected, they are not at all fond of the Tyger Claws gang for their actions against Lizzie. However, they will only attack if they are provoked. The Moxies are usually quite a passive gang. Unlike the other gangs as well, they don't tend to involve themselves in much criminal activity. The only speciality of theirs that is somewhat illegal is their extensive work in prostitution, of which many of their members take part. If you see a Moxie, you can expect them to dress in a Punk style, or in cheap fashion that prostitutes may often wear. They are also quite fond of using Realskinn, a plastic covering used to disguise cyberware and cyberlimbs, to which the Moxies endulge in too. The Moxies are a Low Threat Level within Night City. Wraiths The Wraiths are the first of two large gangs within the Badlands. Gangs in the Badlands are made up of hundreds of rogue Nomads, who travel around quite a lot. The Badlands is a dog-eat-dog world, and so the Wraiths are gruesome and ruthless - they atttack their prey during the night, and will raid or murder their victims. These raids will be conducted through their custom cars made to travel through the Badlands - they call these vehicles the Reaver. A customised version of the Type 66 Quadra, made especially for driving on rough terrain. This leads us to their primary source of income, and that is raiding. Many transport convoys or lone vehicles are great targets in the open Badlands to be attacked and robbed from. They also will raid lots of small villages around the Badlands, taking anything from drugs, boosters, cars, car parts, and cyberware, where they can enjoy the spoils of their work. Many companies in Night City also give them transportation contracts to protect valuable transport. However, the Wraiths may take it upon themselves to ransom or raid the vehicles that they were contracted to protect. They don't care of the consequences. You will find plenty of Wraiths outside of Night City, where it's estimated that there are anywhere from 300 to 1200 members. If these members aren't raiding anyone, then they're probably fighting tooth and nail against their rival gang, the Aldecaldos, who we'll discuss soon. The gang is led by a human-skin wearing man named Dogkiller, who we will hopefully be able to encounter in Cyberpunk 2077. However, if we do, they won't be nice to start out with. The Wraiths are a High Level Threat in the world of Cyberpunk 2077, namely in the Badlands. Aldecaldos The gang was formed by its leader, Juan Aldecaldo who fled California to go to Mexico City back in the 1980s. In 2015, the gang returned to the US, and brought a certain someone with them. A great man named Johnny Silverhand, who was in hiding for several years. The gang emigrated to Night City, where they inhabitated the Badlands, running farms and transporting stolen goods to get by day-to-day. They still do this in 2077, led by Santiago Aldecaldo, the new leader of the gang. He is a good friend of Johnny Silverhand. This will mean the Aldecaldos will be far easier to get on the good side of then their famous rivals, the Wraiths. The gang consists of over 10000 members, making it one of the largest gangs in Night City. Several hundreds of these members actually reside inside the walls of Night City, extending their influence out further. Not much else is known just yet about their day-to-day activities, so we'll have to discover this on December 10th. The gang is most likely of a Medium Threat Level in Night City and the Badlands. Let me know what gang(s) you'll side with, and what one(s) you'll seek to destroy. I love how the Maelstrom look but I think they're too dangerous to be alive. I may side with the more chill gangs like the Tyger Claws and the Aldecaldos.
December 31, 2019 "The Golden Grin Casino will now fund a moon landing for the new year. We'll be celebrating it by sending 3 brave astronauts, one of which is our current CEO,Mr.James Hoxworth." Now I wasn't sure what was so wonderful about landing on the moon, but considering I've been playing poker, partying on beaches, and running the biggest casino in Vegas, it was a nice way to get away from the grind and relax. My assistant manager, Ugayafukiaezu no Mikoto, tells me that there's a secret society of moon people, and that the moon isn't what it seems. "Ah you wanker, first you tell me there's bloody fucking humanoid rabbits on the moon. Second, you tell me there's fucking people calling themselves bloody "Lunarians." Third, you tell me there's a massive metropolis on the dark side of the Moon. What's bloody next, I'm opening a Lunar casino and getting trillions from them?" "Mr.Hoxworth... with all due respect, I don't allow myself to lie. It is against my values. The things I've said about the moon is true." "Mr.Mikoto, please... just take this shift off and get a good night's sleep, you won't have to make it up. You've been working overtime for the last few weeks and I'm worried. Get a good night's rest, would you sunshine?" Well, it was just me running this casino alone now for the next few days. Until GenSec escorts me to launch on a rocket and show people what we're seeing. Bloody moon people? Fucking rabbits? A goddamn metropolis on the moon? Mr.Mikoto never lied or attempted to cheat me before he brought things up related to the moon landing. I wonder if he was telling the truth, but it didn't matter, I have a casino to run, some people to scam, and some sleep to catch. After seeing that things were running smoothly, I left for my penthouse on top of the Golden Grin itself. Taking the stairs I've hid behind the wall, I locked up the manager's room, pressed a button, and went up a few flights of stairs. I refuse to use an elevator, not after what happened at that damn No Mercy job. Going to my penthouse, I scanned a keycard and went in. I've managed to bargain a really nice deal with GenSec, as I've embarrassed them by breaking their "impenetrable" vault, slaughtering their SWAT units, not to mention my crew's numerous robberies on places "secured" by them. I've managed to get their "Premium deal" for $8999 a month, up to the next 5 years, rather than the full $9999 they charge per month. Getting in bed and sleeping in, I had a dream. In James "Hoxton" Hoxworth's dream... "There's the house, and somewhere... the rat." Bain... I've been waiting for this day for over 2 years, the Judas bastard who ratted me, the motherfucker who let me rot in prison. I saw that Clover, shit-for-brains, and Dallas were with me. As much as I wanted to beat the Hell out of him for stealing my name, the rat can take the hits, for now... Feeling for my shank, I was going to drink this rat's blood, and spit it out on his corpse. We all got past the outer fence, whoever this rat was, that bastard at least had a good place to die. Bain told us about a security system, I was struggling to find it, but Clover managed to find it and we checked for any guards that might of caught us. I lockpicked the window and we quickly disabled the alarm, after wandering around for keycards and not getting caught, I saw the FBI boss. I was going to kill this guy, but Dallas told me that he might be useful alive and that our code doesn't involve killing civilians. Alas, he was unfortunately correct when we found a vault and placed the keycards in them. Bain saw a retinal scanner and told us to take the boss there. I opted to stay there, sitting on a bed and lying on my stomach, listening to the voice of the man who betrayed me, after Dallas bound and gagged the boss, we forced him to scan his eye on the retinal scanner and I was taunting him about how he could try putting me in prison, but he couldn't keep me. The boss couldn't talk, but he probably knew I was right. The other 3 left to find evidence and other things, but I stayed behind to see that panic room open, when I saw that door start opening, I grabbed my shank, and raised my arms up to destroy the brain of this now brainless rat. However, the world around me started to shift and I was back in my prison uniform, being escorted by rabbit girls with guns and a purple-haired chick with a yellow ribbon holding a sword to my neck. The next thing I noticed was that I was restrained exactly like the time before my crew broke me out. After walking forward for a bit, I could hear faint drilling sounds and saw a dollar being thrown out, knowing that this was my breakout, I went for it and got kicked square in the stomach by a light purple-haired rabbit girl with a suit. Coughing up some blood and recovering, the girl who pointed a sword at me told me to stop fucking around and get up. I knew this was breakout time, so I yelled, "It's PAYDAY fellas!" When there was no response, I yelled, "I SAID IT'S FUCKING PAYDAY motherfuc-" The wall besides me blew up and the sword went through my thigh, I was expecting the crew to save me, but they ended up getting restrained by a blonde haired girl with a fan. "Hoxton... we're so sorry for leaving you behind. Please forgive us." Those were the last words uttered by Dallas, Chains, Wolf, and my replacement before it seemed like they turned to dust and disappeared into thing air. "Sister... we did it, we took down the filth that the Earthlings couldn't ever take down. It was easier than I calculated it to be... I honestly expected to have to fight to the last hair." "Ahh, everything is so easy for you when you can borrow the powers of gods, isn't it Yorihime? And you've always desired a challenge from the Earthlings, they've sent their best criminals and nothing of challenge occured. Anyways, weren't you interested with this one we took prisoner?" "Yes... a James Hoxworth, known by his alias "Hoxton," a sharpshooter known for his abilities to hunt heads and the infamous thief that went on that crime spree. I've taken a liking to him, more so that Ugayafukiaezu no Mikoto has committed a massive sin against us. Hoori is still saddened by the loss, but accepts it now. It's just like when Kaguya drank that forbidden elixir. We still miss them inside, but accept that they had to die on the filthy earth." Wait a minute... I known a Ugayafukiaezu no Mikoto, if it wasn't in this fucked up timeline, he would of eventually be my assistant manager after acquiring the Golden Grin. Was he correct, that there were moon people and rabbits. And if so, there must be some sort of civilization on it. Seeing that there was no way out of here, if I was going to rot in prison, I was going to at least have my questions answered. I asked them, "Are you Lunarians, and if so, are we on the moon? Also, is this real or a scare tactic?" The purple haired girl answered me, "Yes, we are Lunarians. And yes, we are on the moon. Allow me to show you our world." Getting escorted, I saw that we were indeed not on Earth, but the fucking moon of all places. There was a massive metropolis, it was on a scale larger than that time I went to Japan for a failed business deal. "What a fuck-tastic place... it's so beautiful. How the hell did you even build this?" "The Lunatic Kingdom... it's been over millions of years since we first established this place. Exploiting quantum physics, enhancing our magical capabilities, having gods on our side. We've estimated humanity wouldn't be able to catch up to our current capabilities until at least tens of thousands of years." I was taken back where the rabbits and blonde girl was. I had my restraints removed, but still had a gun pointed towards my head. A figure, with a crescent moon for a crown with some armor with moon symbols, I noticed that the 2 girls bowed down. "Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lord Tsukuyomi, the God of the Moon. These are my 2 nieces, Toyohime and Yorihime. Quite the charm, are they not." "Yes they are." "We will now go somewhere more desirable for me to tell my prophecies that directly involve you." Seeing that we were in a more serene area, with something I would of seen off an ancient Japanese painting worth hundreds of millions, we sat down on a tatami mat, comfortable things, for sure. Here are his prophecies,
You will marry one of my nieces.
You will attain a legendary power that I wish I could have.
You will bear witness to an unexpected event.
You will live here.
We will meet under more desirable circumstances.
You will be pure.
"But for now, I promise you, James Hoxworth. This is simply a dream, but it serves as my place to tell prophecies without having to directly intervene. Remember my words, and your reward will be greater than your casino. Goodbye." I was sent to a room that looked awfully similar to my penthouse, then I received a kiss on the cheek from Yorihime, and then I was sent on my way... Back in reality, January 1, 2020. Holy shite! I woke up with a note next to my hand, with that dude's prophecies written in what, Japanese or something? Along with a sword that seemed like the ones that girl had. Whatever just happened, I was going to see if this was a scare tactic or reality. Going to my casino, I knew now would be the least profitable time, as everyone has a New Year's resolution that they always fail. I saw Ugayafukiaezu no Mikoto, it looked like he knew something was up. "Mr.Hoxworth, how was your dream last night?" Seeing the devilish smile and his unusual amount of calmness, I knew this guy wasn't joking. He wouldn't have a reason to put his highly prestigious career on the line for the largest casino in America. "It was... um, weird." "Weird, huh? Fufufu, did you see a moon god, 2 beautiful girls, and some rabbit girls?" "Um... yes, yes I did." "Let me fill you in on something, those girls were my mother and ex-wife, 2 "Lunar Princesses." Unfortunately I've done something to get banished from the Moon. My punishment is to rot on Earth. With nobody in to fill in that void, and the political disaster that I've left behind, only the best are allowed to marry her." "So why the Hell would a moon god choose my sorry ass? I mean I'm pretty sure he can find better." "Simple, I've been observing your magical energy, and it seemed that it's more than what some gods can dream of containing. You've also have a unique power that only few can hope to replicate, much less acquire. I am not allowed to tell you exactly what it is, but you'll learn with time, Mr.Hoxworth." I reached for that note I was given from those "Lunarians," I asked Ugayafukiaezu to read them for me, since if anyone could reach those um... symbols, it was going to be him. "Dear me, Mr.Hoxworth, it looks like you've really ascended from being an Earthling to a Lunarian. Is this the cost of my sin? Being employed by the one who will take my place, well... I deserve it." "Anyways... I sincerely hope you had a good night's rest. Maybe tell your deity buddies to fill me in next time instead of leaving me confused and thinking their saying a bunch of crap." Days have passed, I only had dreams of those "Lunarians" but got more details about them in more desirable circumstances. I remember seeing Bain and Tsukuyomi discuss what I used to be, and how that gave me status to their secret society stuff, or that one time where Locke wrecked all of us in golf and managed to hit a boat for once, and especially that one where Dallas told Yorihime everything about me. It was going to be one more day before I was getting launched into space, hopefully I have everything figured out. January 11, 2020 I took whatever objects I could to get into space, they prepared food, water, and some other essentials. Even 3 Mossberg 500s were packed with us as there's been reports of astronauts being attacked, I wonder if those were the "Lunarians" that I've been seeing in my dreams. GenSec took me on a plane to the Kennedy Space Center, as part of my sponsership with NASA, the Golden Grin will fund their projects and provide for their employees in return of giving me the pleasure of being on the moon. Going through some boring checks and being shoved in a fucking spacesuit, making me look like a glorified Bulldozer from my first crime spree?file=Bulldozer.jpg), I was in a rocket with my other comrades. I was going to be flown off to the moon and had to do all sorts of things, but overall, if the Lunarians are real and Tsukuyomi wasn't bluffing, I was going to hopefully live somewhere better. If it was just a really massive coincidence, I was going to be the first and possibly only Golden Grin member with the privilege of saying, "I was on the moon." And we have liftoff. Flying in a massive hunk of steel and computers, we viewed everything, for the next 3 days, we were doing nothing productive, but I've noticed a few things. My body felt like it contained a load of magic and that I was going to be something greater. But I just played it off as over-excitement and we finally landed on the moon. "OK... so we'll take pictures, replace the flag, and broadcast this to the whole world. It is time that we forward our knowledge of the cosmos. We have to investigate the dark side of the moon." Doing what command wanted us to do, we were going there to forward the cause of science. I felt an uneasiness and heard an intentional static. "Hey wankers... do you get the feeling that we're being watched by something out of this world? Like we're the ones being studied instead of studying?" "No... why?" "I just feel like something is off here, but let's tread on." As my team went further to investigate the darkness, we reached a point where we noticed a sea of all things. Fucking Hell, it looks like my dreams were slowly becoming reality, we took notes until we were ambushed by a bunch of rabbit girls. "HALT! You impure beings, you will now be detained, put your hands over your heads and stay silent. Do not attempt to move, or speak, otherwise you will be eliminated." Son of a bitch... we had guns pointed towards our heads and I saw who looked like Yorihime there. Was this an elaborate thing set up by the FBI and GenSec to get me back in jail? Was this a well-done nightmare? Will the ZEAL SWATs going swarm me any second now? My body was starting radiate what feels like magic and my soul felt like it was starting a process to ascend, whatever this was, it wasn't going to be pretty for any of us. Maybe I've ascended to a new realm or something... whatever this is. I'm going to do what the girl says, that's one sharp sword and I rather not see that as the last thing before my death and get beheaded.
Hi! So, I had an idea to have a constantly - relocating wizard mansion. It will pop up in random places; sometimes in vacant spots in cities, sometimes in the wilderness somewhere. PCs could hear excited whispers from travelers on the road and merchants in cities (did you hear the Wizard's Mansion popped up around X? I wonder what they have this time). The mansion is full of rooms, and is much bigger on the inside than the outside. Upon entering the main door, the PCs end up in a large circular landing with 3 long (seemingly infinite) hallways branching off of it with doors on either sides. Each of these rooms lead to completely random things. They can be shops with weird items, pointless rooms, rooms that lock you in unless you answer a question or solve a riddle, etc.
Shop with a haggard-looking wizard. Boasts 2d12 uncommon items, 1d12 rare items, and 1d4 legendary items.
Empty room, save for a single wooden chair in the middle. If the PC sits in the chair, it rapidly tips over and fires the PC directly out of the room
A bustling tavern; anyone who enters is challenged to a drinking contest. Winners get 4d100gp and a small poorly-made paper crown
a "casino" - PCs enter a room that has lots of gambling activities going on (include any DnD/RPG gambling games you'd like)
Room is wonderfully adorned, but an old haggard woman lies on a bed in the center. Woman becomes enamored with PC, and refuses to let him/her leave until he/she tricks the woman into letting them leave (ex: I'll be back in just a moment my love, just going to slip into something more comfortable) - fun RP opportunity
The room smells strangely good, inside there is a friendly copper dragon. If you decide to talk to him, the conversation will seem to go on forever. Every time it starts to get boring he will say/ask/point out something interesting that will keep it going. You can leave anytime but you won't want to. CAPShidra
Room full of piles of unorganized gold coins. Coins disappear if they leave the room. MakingReady
A museum of historically accurate uniforms of armies long past. MakingReady
A kitchen where ghosts are constantly cooking delicious cakes. MakingReady
A library, but every book is about astrology and vague prophecies. MakingReady
A room with the singular purpose of being a perfect mansion for a penguin. Complete with ice slide, ice floor, fishing place, a warming spot, ventilation, and ways to entertain himself. The penguin can be smart or a pet. TheWoodcarveree
a room with an open empty box on the floor next to a fallen pedastal. A sign reads "do NOT open" GregMcGregFace
a small library room. Interacting with anything will activate a swarm of books (construct) to attack GregMcGregFace
two familiars given conflicting tasks (organise by title Vs organise by author) they've been here for a long time GregMcGregFace
a guardian holding a giant book of riddles. He will not let you leave unless YOU tell HIM a riddle that he cannot answer. If successful he jots it into his book GregMcGregFace
a chest in the center of the room, a sign beside it reads "Warning: this is a MIMIC!" ( The sign is the mimic) GregMcGregFace
the door reads "under construction", leads to an endless black abyss GregMcGregFace
a tiny devil in a bottle, willing to promise anything to be let out, but he has no special skills GregMcGregFace
A mirror in the center of the room. The mirror version of only one party member acts strangely, insisting that they were put in the mirror two days ago "by that imposter!" GregMcGregFace
a room containing a small diorama of itself, including any party members that enter, and an even smaller diorama inside the first GregMcGregFace
A room with beautiful stained-glass windows showing different scene. Read in order, they tell a joke or short story. Samlefomas
The wizard's wardrobe. Some of it is formal wear, some is outrageous party costumes. Hidden in a dirty box under some shoes is a Robe of the Archmagi, but good luck finding it. Samlefomas
A room with a door that enters on one side, and a door opposite that only leads back in to the same room (like portals from the games). To leave the room you must exit backwards via the door you came in. Samlefomas
The zero-g room. Pressing a button on the wall activates two runes of reverse gravity, one on the floor and one on the ceiling, meaning you 'float' in the middle for a minute. Samlefomas
A lavish, traditional living room, like you'd find in a castle. The difference is that everything is a poor knock-off. The paintings are finger paintings, the tables are made of balsa wood, if you light the fire place the rest of the room may go up in flames, etc. Samlefomas
The Necromancer’s Theater: an operatic theater where undead will perform theatrical routines, dances, and songs when possible. Shmegdar
A normal bedroom except everything in it is on the ceiling instead of the floor Shmegdar
a very large room full of magically moving mechanical contraptions, such as animated minecarts, a wheel with seats, and horselike statues that revolve around an axis of mirrors (an amusement park) Shmegdar
A kitchen except everything (and I mean everything) in it has a humanoid face on it, living or not. Mostly nothing in the room is alive or sentient, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility Shmegdar
A room that leads to the outside of the wizards mansion, but this was not the exit or the entrance killllllllllmeeeeee
A room where a gaint war table sits in the middle made of nothing but flowing ale and ludicrous battles killllllllllmeeeeee
A room that leads to large tapestries and monoliths, that depict strange ships in the sky, a picture of some kind of 4-ringed circle in the middle that all connect to a central point. With millions... no billions of tiny dots, with borders of counties that don't exist and technology that hasn't been thought of... battles in the void of space and planets with undeciferable names. It's so ludicrous that it shouldn't be possible...Surely. killllllllllmeeeeee
Angélica Gorodischer - Three Stories [Translated by Lorraine Elena Roses and Marian Womack]
The Resurrection of the Flesh [Tr by Roses]
These first two tales published in Secret Weavers: Stories of the Fantastic by Women Writers of Argentina and Chile, edited by Marjorie Agosin (White Pine Press, 1992):
She was thirty-two, her name was Aurelia, and she had been married eleven years. One Saturday afternoon, she looked through the kitchen window at the garden and saw the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. Men of the world, those four horsemen of the Apocalypse. And good-looking. The first from the left was riding a sorrel horse with a dark mane. He was wearing white breeches, black boots, a crimson jacket, and a yellow fez with black pompoms. The second one had a sleeveless tunic overlaid with gold and violet and was barefoot. He was riding on the back of a plump dolphin. The third one had a respectable, black beard, trimmed at right angles. He had donned a gray Prince of Wales suit, white shirt, blue tie and carried a black leather portfolio. He was seated on a folding chair belted to the back of white-haired dromedary. The fourth one made Aurelia smile and realize that they were smiling at her. He was riding a black and gold Harley-Davidson 1200 and was wearing a white helmet and dark goggles and had long, straight, blond hair flying in the wind behind him. The four were riding in the garden without moving from the spot. They rode and smiled at her and she watched them through the kitchen window. In that manner, she finished washing the two teacups, took off her apron, arranged her hair and went to the living room. "I saw the four horsemen of the Apocalypse in the garden," she told her husband. "I'll bet," he said without raising his eyes from his paper. "What are you reading?" Aurelia asked. "Hmmm?" "I said they were given a crown and a sword and a balance and power." "Oh, right," said her husband. And after that a week went by as all weeks do--very slowly at first and very quickly toward the end--and on Sunday morning, while she made the coffee, she again saw the four horsemen of the Apocalypse in the garden, but when she went back to the bedroom she didn't say anything to her husband. The third time she saw them, one Wednesday, alone, in the afternoon, she stood looking at them for a half hour and finally, since she had always wanted to fly in a yellow and red dirigible; and since she had dreamed about being an opera singer, an emperor's lover, a co-pilot to Icarus; since she would have liked to scale black cliffs, laugh at cannibals, traverse the jungles on elephants with purple trappings, seize with her hands the diamonds that lay hidden in mines, preside in the nude over a parade of nocturnal monsters, live under water, domesticate spiders, torture the powerful of the earth, rob trains in the tunnels of the Alps, set palaces on fire, lie in the dark with beggars, climb on the bridges of all the ships in the world; finally--since it was sadly sterile to be a rational and healthy adult--finally, that Wednesday afternoon alone, she put on the long dress she had worn at the last New Year's party given by the company where her husband was assistant sales manager and went out to the garden. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse called her, the blond one on the Harley-Davidson gave her his hand and helped her up onto the seat behind him, and there they went, all five, raging into the storm and singing. Two days later her husband gave in to family pressure and reported the disappearance of his wife. "Moral: madness is a flower aflame," said the narrator. Or in other words, it's impossible to inflame the dead, cold, viscous, useless, and sinful ashes of common sense.
The Perfect Married Woman
If you meet her on the street, cross quickly to the other side and quicken your pace. She’s a dangerous lady. She’s about forty or forty-five, has one married daughter and a son working in San Nicolas; her husband’s a sheet-metal worker. She rises very early, sweeps the sidewalk, sees her husband off, cleans, does the wash, shops, cooks. After lunch she watches television, sews or knits, irons twice a week, and at night goes to bed late. On Saturdays she does a general cleaning and washes windows and waxes the floors. On Sunday mornings she washes the clothes her son brings home—his name is Nestor Eduardo—she kneads dough for noodles or ravioli, and in the afternoon either her sister-inlaw comes to visit or she goes to her daughter’s house. It’s been a long time since she’s been to the movies, but she reads TV Guide and the police report in the newspaper. Her eyes are dark and her hands are rough and her hair is starting to go gray. She catches cold frequently and keeps a photo album in a dresser drawer along with a black crepe dress with lace collar and cuffs. Her mother never hit her. But when she was six, she got a spanking for coloring on a door, and she had to wash it off with a wet rag. While she was doing it, she thought about doors, all doors, and decided that they were very dumb because they always led to the same places. And the one she was cleaning was definitely the dumbest of all, the one that led to her parents’ bedroom. She opened the door and then it didn’t go to her parents’ bedroom but to the Gobi desert. She wasn’t surprised that she knew it was the Gobi desert even though they hadn’t even taught her in school where Mongolia was and neither she nor her mother nor her grandmother had ever heard of Nan Shan or Khangai Nuru. She stepped through the door, bent over to scratch the yellowish grit and saw that there was no one, nothing, and the hot wind tousled her hair, so she went back through the open door, closed it and kept on cleaning. And when she finished, her mother grumbled a little more and told her to wash the rag and take the broom to sweep up that sand and clean her shoes. That day she modified her hasty judgment about doors, though not completely, at least not until she understood what was going on. What had been going on all her life and up until today was that from time to time doors behaved satisfactorily, though in general they were still acting dumb and leading to dining rooms, kitchens, laundry rooms, bedrooms and offices even in the best of circumstances. But two months after the desert, for example, the door that every day led to the bath opened onto the workshop of a bearded man dressed in a long uniform, pointed shoes, and a cap that tilted on one side of his head. The old man’s back was turned as he took something out of a highboy with many small drawers behind a very strange, large wooden machine with a giant steering wheel and screw, in the midst of cold air and an acrid smell. When he turned around and saw her he began to shout at her in a language she didn’t understand. She stuck out her tongue, dashed out the door, closed it, opened it again, went into the bathroom and washed her hands for lunch. Again, after lunch, many years later, she opened the door of her room and walked into a battlefield. She dipped her hands in the blood of the wounded and dead and pulled from the neck of a cadaver a crucifix that she wore for a long time under high-necked blouses or dresses without plunging necklines. She now keeps it in a tin box underneath the nightgowns with a brooch, a pair of earrings and a broken wristwatch that used to belong to her mother-in-law. In the same way, involuntarily and by chance, she visited three monasteries, seven libraries, and the highest mountains in the world, and who knows how many theaters, cathedrals, jungles, refrigeration plants, dens of vice, universities, brothels, forests, stores, submarines, hotels, trenches, islands, factories, palaces, hovels, towers and hell. She’s lost count and doesn’t care; any door could lead anywhere and that has the same value as the thickness of the ravioli dough, her mother’s death, and the life crises that she sees on TV and reads about in TV Guide. Not long ago she took her daughter to the doctor, and seeing the closed door of a bathroom in the clinic, she smiled. She wasn’t sure because she can never be sure, but she got up and went to the bathroom. However, it was a bathroom; at least there was a nude man in a bathtub full of water. It was all very large, with a high ceiling, marble floor and decorations hanging from the closed windows. The man seemed to be asleep in his white bathtub, short but deep, and she saw a razor on a wrought iron table with feet decorated with iron flowers and leaves and ending in lion’s paws, a razor, a mirror, a curling iron, towels, a box of talcum powder and an earthen bowl with water. She approached on tiptoe, retrieved the razor, tiptoed over to the sleeping man in the tub and beheaded him. She threw the razor on the floor and rinsed her hands in the lukewarm bathtub water. She turned around when she reached the clinic corridor and spied a girl going into the bathroom through the other door. Her daughter looked at her. “That was quick.” “The toilet was broken,” she answered. A few days afterward, she beheaded another man in a blue tent at night. That man and a woman were sleeping mostly uncovered by the blankets of a low, king-size bed, and the wind beat around the tent and slanted the flames of the oil lamps. Beyond it there would be another camp, soldiers, animals, sweat, manure, orders and weapons. But inside there was a sword by the leather and metal uniforms, and with it she cut off the head of the bearded man. The woman stirred and opened her eyes as she went out the door on her way back to the patio that she had been mopping. On Monday and Thursday afternoons, when she irons shirt collars, she thinks of the slit necks and the blood, and she waits. If it’s summer she goes out to sweep a little after putting away the clothing and until her husband arrives. If it’s windy she sits in the kitchen and knits. But she doesn’t always find sleeping men or staring cadavers. One rainy morning, when she was twenty, she was at a prison, and she made fun of the chained prisoners; one night when the kids were kids and were all living at home, she saw in a square a disheveled woman looking at a gun but not daring to take it out of her open purse. She walked up to her, put the gun in the woman’s hand and stayed there until a car parked at the corner, until the woman saw a man in gray get out and look for his keys in his pocket, until the woman aimed and fired. And another night while she was doing her sixth grade geography homework, she went to look for crayons in her room and stood next to a man who was crying on a balcony. The balcony was so high, so far above the street, that she had an urge to push him to hear the thud down below, but she remembered the orographic map of South America and was about to leave. Anyhow, since the man hadn’t seen her, she did push him and saw him disappear and ran to color in the map so she didn’t hear the thud, only the scream. And in an empty theater, she made a fire underneath the velvet curtain; in a riot she opened the cover to a basement hatchway; in a house, sitting on top of a desk, she shredded a two-thousand-page manuscript; in a clearing of a forest she buried the weapons of the sleeping men; in a river she opened the floodgates of a dike. Her daughter’s name is Laura Inés, her son has a fiancée in San Nicolás and he’s promised to bring her over on Sunday so she and her husband can meet her. She has to remind herself to ask her sister-in-law for the recipe for orange cake, and Friday on TV is the first episode of a new soap opera. Again, she runs the iron over the front of the shirt and remembers the other side of the doors that are always carefully closed in her house, that other side where the things that happen are much less abominable than the ones we experience on this side, as you can easily understand.
The Unmistakable Smell of Wood Violets [Tr by Womack]
Translated for the first time in Ann and Jeff Vandermeer's Big Book of Science Fiction (Vintage, 2016):
The news spread fast. It would be correct to say that the news moved like a flaming trail of gunpowder, if it weren't for the fact that at this point in our civilization gunpowder was archaeology, ashes in time, the stuff of legend, nothingness. However, it was because of the magic of our new civilization that the news was known all over the world, practically instantaneously. "Oooh!" the tsarina said. You have to take into account that Her Gracious and Most Illustrious Virgin Majesty Ekaterina V, Empress of Holy Russia, had been carefully educated in the proper decorum befitting the throne, which meant that she would never have even raised an eyebrow or curved the corner of her lip, far less would she have made an interjection of that rude and vulgar kind. But not only did she say "Oooh!," she also got up and walked through the room until she reached the glass doors of the great balcony. She stopped there. Down below, covered by snow, Saint Leninburg was indifferent and unchanged, the city's eyes squinting under the weight of winter. At the palace, ministers and advisers were excited, on edge. "And where is this place?" the tsarina asked. And that is what happened in Russia, which is such a distant and atypical country. In the central states of the continent, there was real commotion. In Bolivia, in Paraguay, in Madagascar, in all the great powers, and in the countries that aspired to be great powers, such as High Peru, Iceland, or Morocco, hasty conversations took place at the highest possible level with knitted brows and hired experts. The strongest currencies became unstable: the guarani rose, the Bolivian peso went down half a point, the crown was discreetly removed from the exchange rates for two long hours, long queues formed in front of the exchanges in front of all the great capitals of the world. President Morillo spoke from the Oruro Palace and used the opportunity to make a concealed warning (some would call it a threat) to the two Peruvian republics and the Minas Gerais secessionist area. Morillo had handed over the presidency of Minas to his nephew, Pepe Morillo, who had proved to be a wet blanket whom everybody could manipulate, and now Morillo bitterly regretted his decision. Morocco and Iceland did little more than give their diplomats a gentle nudge in the ribs, anything to shake them into action, as they imagined them all to be sipping grenadine and mango juice in the deep south while servants in shiny black uniforms stood over them with fans. The picturesque note came from the Independent States of North America. It could not have been otherwise. Nobody knew that all the states were now once again under the control of a single president, but that's how it was: some guy called Jack Jackson-Franklin, who had been a bit-part actor in videos, and who, aged eighty-seven, had discovered his extremely patriotic vocation of statesman. Aided by his singular and inexplicable charisma, and by his suspect family tree, according to which he was the descendent of two presidents who had ruled over the states during their glory days, he had managed to unify, at least for now, the seventy-nine northern states. Anyway, Mr. Jackson-Franklin said to the world that the Independent States would not permit such a thing to take place. No more, just that they would not permit such a thing to take place. The world laughed uproariously at this. Over there, in the Saint Leninburg palace, ministers cleared their throats, advisers swallowed saliva, trying to find out if, by bobbing their Adam's apples up and down enough, they might be able to loosen their stiff official shirts. "Ahem. Ahem. It's in the south. A long way to the south. In the west, Your Majesty." "It is. Humph. Ahem. It is, Your Majesty, a tiny country in a tiny territory." "It says that it is in Argentina," the tsarina said, still staring through the window but without paying any attention to the night as it fell over the snow-covered roofs and the frozen shores of the Baltic. "Ah, yes, that's right, that's right, Your Majesty, a pocket republic." Sergei Vasilievich Kustkarov, some kind of councilor and, what is more, an educated and sensible man, broke into the conversation. "Several, Your Majesty, it is several." And at last the tsarina turned around. Who cared a fig for the Baltic night, the snow-covered rooftops, the roofs themselves, and the city of which they were a part? Heavy silk crackled, starched petticoats, lace. "Several of what, Councilor Kustkarov, several of what? Don't come to me with your ambiguities." "I must say, Your Majesty, I had not the slightest intention--" "Several of what?" The tsarina looked directly at him, her lips held tightly together, her hands moving unceasingly, and Kustkarov panicked, as well he might. "Rep-rep-republics, Your Majesty," he blurted out. "Several of them. Apparently, a long time ago, a very long time, it used to be a single territory, and now it is several, several republics, but their inhabitants, the people who live in all of them, all of the republics, are called, they call themselves, the people, that is, Argentinians." The tsarina turned her gaze away. Kustkarov felt so relieved that he was encouraged to carry on speaking: "There are seven of them, Your Majesty: Rosario, Entre dos Rios, Ladocta, Ona, Riachuelo, Yujujuy, and Labodegga." The tsarina sat down. "We must do something," she said. Silence. Outside it was not snowing, but inside it appeared to be. The tsarina looked at the transport minister. "This enters into your portfolio," she said. Kustkarov sat down, magnificently. How lucky he was to be a councilor, a councilor with no specific duties. The transport minister, on the other hand, turned pale. "I think, Your Majesty...," he dared to say. "Don't think! Do something!" "Yes, Your Majesty," the minister said, and, bowing, started to make his way to the door. "Where do you think you're going?" the tsarina said, without moving her mouth or twitching an eyelid. "I'm just, I'm going, I'm just going to see what can be done, Your Majesty." There's nothing that can be done, Sergei Vasilievich thought in delight, nothing. He realized that he was not upset, but instead he felt happy. And on top of everything else a woman, he thought. Kustkarov was married to Irina Waldoska-Urtiansk, a real beauty, perhaps the most beautiful woman in all of Holy Russia. Perhaps he was being cuckolded; it would have been all too easy for him to find that out, but he did not want to. His thoughts turned in a circle: and on top of everything else a woman. He looked at the tsarina and was struck, not for the first time, by her beauty. She was not so beautiful as Irina, but she was magnificent. In Rosario it was not snowing, not because it was summer, although it was, but because it never snowed in Rosario. And there weren't any palm trees: the Moroccans would have been extremely disappointed had they known, but their diplomats said nothing about the Rosario flora in their reports, partly because the flora of Rosario was now practically nonexistent, and partly because diplomats are supposed to be above that kind of thing. Everyone who was not a diplomat, that is to say, everyone, the population of the entire republic that in the last ten years had multiplied vertiginously and had now reached almost two hundred thousand souls, was euphoric, happy, triumphant. They surrounded her house, watched over her as she slept, left expensive imported fruits outside her door, followed her down the street. Some potentate allowed her the use of a Ford 99, which was one of the five cars in the whole country, and a madman who lived in the Espinillos cemetery hauled water all the way up from the Pará lagoon and grew a flower for her which he then gave her. "How nice," she said, then went on, dreamily, "Will there be flowers where I'm going?" They assured her that there would be. She trained every day. As they did not know exactly what it was she had to do to train herself, she got up at dawn, ran around the Independence crater, skipped, did some gymnastic exercises, ate little, learned how to hold her breath, and spent hours and hours sitting or curled into strange positions. She also danced the waltz. She was almost positive that the waltz was not likely to come in handy, but she enjoyed it very much. Meanwhile, farther away, the trail of gunpowder had become a barrel of dynamite, although dynamite was also a legendary substance and didn't exist. The infoscreens in every country, whether poor or rich, central or peripheral, developed or not, blazed forth with extremely large headlines suggesting dates, inventing biographical details, trying to hide, without much success, their envy and confusion. No one was fooled: "We have been wretchedly beaten," the citizens of Bolivia said. "Who would have thought it," pondered the man on the Reykjavík omnibus. The former transport minister of Holy Russia was off breaking stones in Siberia. Councilor Sergei Vasilievich Kustkarov was sleeping with the tsarina, but that was only a piece of low, yet spicy, gossip that has nothing to do with this story. "We will not allow this to happen!" Mr. Jackson-Franklin blustered, tugging nervously at his hairpiece. "It is our own glorious history that has set aside for us this brilliant destiny! It is we, we and not this despicable banana republic, who are marked for this glory!" Mr. Jackson-Franklin also did not know that there were no palm trees or bananas in Rosario, but this was due not to a lack of reports from his diplomats but rather a lack of diplomats. Diplomats are a luxury that a poor country cannot afford, and so poor countries often go to great pains to take offense and recall all the knights commanders and lawyers and doctors and even eventually the generals working overseas, in order to save money on rent and electricity and gas and salaries, not to mention the cost of the banquets and all the money in brown paper envelopes. But the headlines kept on appearing on the infoscreens: "Argentinian Astronaut Claims She Will Reach Edge of Universe," "Sources Claim Ship Is Spaceworthy in Spite of or Because of Centuries-Long Interment," "Science or Catastrophe?," "Astronaut Not a Woman but a Transsexual" (this in the Imperialskaya Gazeta, the most puritan of the infoscreens, even more so than the Papal Piccolo Osservatore Lombardo), "Ship Launches," "First Intergalactic Journey in Centuries," "We Will Not Allow This to Happen!" (Portland Times). She was dancing the waltz. She woke up with her heart thumping, tried out various practical hairstyles, ran, skipped, drank only filtered water, ate only olives, avoided spies and journalists, went to see the ship every day, just to touch it. The mechanics all adored her. "It'll work, they'll see, it'll work," the chief engineer said defiantly. Nobody contradicted him. No one dared say that it wouldn't. It would make it, of course it would make it. Not without going through many incredible adventures on its lengthy journey. Lengthy? No one knew who Langevin was anymore, so no one was shocked to discover that his theory contradicted itself, ended up biting its own tail, and that however long the journey took, the observers would only perceive it as having lasted minutes. Someone called Cervantes, a very famous personage back in the early years of human civilization--it was still debated whether he had been a physicist, a poet, or a musician--had suggested a similar theory in one of his lost works. One autumn dawn the ship took off from the Independence crater, the most deserted part of the whole desert republic of Rosario, at five forty-five in the morning. The exact time is recorded because the inhabitants of the country had all pitched in together to buy a clock, which they thought the occasion deserved (there was one other clock, in the Enclosed Convent of the Servants of Santa Rita de Casino, but because the convent was home to an enclosed order nothing ever went in or out of it, no news, no requests, no answers, no nothing). Unfortunately, they had not had enough money. But then someone had had the brilliant idea which had brought in the money they needed, and Rosario had hired out its army for parades in friendly countries: there weren't that many of them and the ones there were weren't very rich, but they managed to get the cash together. Anyone who was inspired by patriotism and by the proximity of glory had to see those dashing officers, those disciplined soldiers dressed in gold and crimson, protected by shining breastplates, capped off with plumed helmets, their catapults and pouches of stones at their waists, goose-stepping through the capital of Entre Dos Rios or the Padrone Giol vineyards in Labodegga, at the foot of the majestic Andes. The ship blasted off. It got lost against the sky. Before the inhabitants of Rosario, their hearts in their throats and their eyes clouded by emotion, had time to catch their breath, a little dot appeared up there, getting bigger and bigger, and it was the ship coming back down. It landed at 06:11 on the same morning of that same autumn day. The clock that recorded this is preserved in the Rosario Historical Museum. It no longer works, but anyone can go and see it in its display cabinet in Room A of the Museum. In Room B, in another display case, is the so-called Carballensis Indentic Axe, the fatal tool that cut down all the vegetation of Rosario and turned the whole country into a featureless plain. Good and evil, side by side, shoulder to shoulder. Twenty-six minutes on Earth, many years on board the ship. Obviously, she did not have a watch or a calendar with her: the republic of Rosario would not have been able to afford either of them. But it was many years, she knew that much. Leaving the galaxy was a piece of cake. You can do it in a couple of jumps, everyone knows that, following the instructions that Albert Einsteinstein, the multifaceted violin virtuoso, director of sci-fi movies, and student of space-time, gave us a few hundred years back. But the ship did not set sail to the very center of the universe, as its predecessors had done in the great era of colonization and discovery; no, the ship went right to the edge of the universe. Everyone also knows that there is nothing in the universe, not even the universe itself, which does not grow weaker as you reach its edge. From pancakes to arteries, via love, rubbers, photographs, revenge, bridal gowns, and power. Everything tends to imperceptible changes at the beginning, rapid change afterward; everything at the edge is softer and more blurred, as the threads start to fray from the center to the outskirts. In the time it took her to take a couple of breaths, a breath and a half, over the course of many years, she passed through habitable and uninhabitable places, worlds which had once been classified as existent, worlds which did not appear and had never appeared and probably would never appear in any cartographical survey. Planets of exiles, singing sands, minutes and seconds in tatters, whirlpools of nothingness, space junk, and that's without even mentioning those beings and things, all of which stood completely outside any possibility of description, so much so that we tend not to perceive them when we look at them; all of this, and shock, and fear more than anything else, and loneliness. The hair grew gray at her temples, her flesh lost its firmness, wrinkles appeared around her eyes and her mouth, her knees and ankles started to act up, she slept less than before and had to half close her eyes and lean backward in order to make out the numbers on the consoles. And she was so tired that it was almost unbearable. She did not waltz any longer: she put an old tape into an old machine and listened and moved her gray head in time with the orchestra. She reached the edge of the universe. Here was where everything came to an end, so completely that even her tiredness disappeared and she felt once again as full of enthusiasm as she had when she was younger. There were hints, of course: salt storms, apparitions, little brushstrokes of white against the black of space, large gaps made of sound, echoes of long-dead voices that had died giving sinister orders, ash, drums; but when she reached the edge itself, these indications gave way to space signage: "End," "You Are Reaching the Universe Limits," "The Cosmos General Insurance Company, YOUR Company, Says: GO NO FURTHER," "End of Protected Cosmonaut Space," etc., as well as the scarlet polygon that the OMUU had adopted to use as a sign for that's it, abandon all hope, the end. All right, so she was here. The next thing to do was go back. But the idea of going back never occurred to her. Women are capricious creatures, just like little boys: as soon as they get what they want, then they want something else. She carried on. There was a violent judder as she crossed the limit. Then there was silence, peace, calm. All very alarming, to tell the truth. The needles did not move, the lights did not flash, the ventilation system did not hiss, her alveoli did not vibrate, her chair did not swivel, the screens were blank. She got up, went to the portholes, looked out, saw nothing. It was logical enough: "Of course," she said to herself, "when the universe comes to an end, then there's nothing." She looked out through the portholes a little more, just in case. She still could see nothing, but she had an idea. "But I'm here," she said. "Me and the ship." She put on a space suit and walked out into the nothing. When the ship landed in the Independence crater in the republic of Rosario, twenty-six minutes after it had taken off, when the hatch opened and she appeared on the ramp, the spirit of Paul Langevin flew over the crater, laughing fit to burst. The only people who heard him were the madman who had grown the flower for her in the Espinillos cemetery and a woman who was to die that day. No one else had ears or fingers or tongue or feet, far less did they have eyes to see him. It was the same woman who had left, the very same, and this calmed the crowds down at the same time as it disappointed them, all the inhabitants of the country, the diplomats, the spies, and the journalists. It was only when she came down the gangplank and they came closer to her that they saw the network of fine wrinkles around her eyes. All other signs of her old age had vanished, and had she wished, she could have waltzed tirelessly, for days and nights on end, from dusk till dawn till dusk. The journalists all leaned forward; the diplomats made signals, which they thought were subtle and unseen, to the bearers of their sedan chairs to be ready to take them back to their residences as soon as they had heard what she had to say; the spies took photographs with the little cameras hidden away in their shirt buttons or their wisdom teeth; all the old people put their hands together; the men raised their fists to their heart; the little boys pranced; the young girls smiled. And then she told them what she had seen: "I took off my suit and my helmet," she said, "and walked along the invisible avenues that smelled of violets." She did not know that the whole world was waiting to hear what she said; that Ekaterina V had made Sergei Vasilievich get up at five o'clock in the morning so that he could accompany her to the grand salon and wait there for the news; that one of the seventy-nine Northern States had declared its independence because the president had not stopped anything from happening or obtained any glory, and this had lit the spark of rebellion in the other seventy-eight states, and this had made Mr. Jackson-Franklin leave the White House without his wig, in pajamas, freezing and furious; that Bolivia, Paraguay, and Iceland had allowed the two Peruvian republics to join their new alliance and defense treaty set up against a possible attack from space; that the high command of the Paraguayan aeronautical engineers had promised to build a ship that could travel beyond the limits of the universe, always assuming that they could be granted legal immunity and a higher budget, a declaration that made the guarani fall back the two points that it had recently risen and then another one as well; that Don Schicchino Giol, the new padrone of the Republic of Labodegga at the foot of the majestic Andes had been woken from his most recent drinking bout to be told that he had now to sign a declaration of war against the Republic of Rosario, now that they knew the strength of the enemy's forces. "Eh? What? Hunh?" Don Schicchino said. "I saw the nothingness of everything," she said, "and it was all infused with the unmistakable smell of wood violets. The nothingness of the world is like the inside of a stomach throbbing above your head. The nothingness of people is like the back of a painting, black, with glasses and wires that release dreams of order and imperfect destinies. The nothingness of creatures with leathery wings is a crack in the air and the rustle of tiny feet. The nothingness of history is the massacre of the innocents. The nothingness of words, which is a throat and a hand that break whatever they touch on perforated paper; the nothingness of music, which is music. The nothingness of precincts, of crystal glasses, of seams, of hair, of liquids, of lights, of keys, of food." When she had finished her list, the potentate who owned the Ford 99 said that he would give it to her, and that in the afternoon he would send one of his servants with a liter of naphtha so that she could take the car out for a spin. "Thank you," she said. "You are very generous." The madman went away, looking up to the skies; who knows what he was searching for. The woman who was going to die that day asked herself what she should eat on Sunday, when her sons and their wives came to lunch. The president of the Republic of Rosario gave a speech. And everything in the world carried on the same, apart from the fact that Ekaterina V named Kustkarov her interior minister, which terrified the poor man but which was welcomed with open arms by Irina as an opportunity for her to refresh her wardrobe and her stock of lovers. And Jack Jackson-Franklin sold his memoirs to one of Paraguay's more sophisticated magazines for a stellar amount of money, which allowed him to retire to live in Imerina. And six spaceships from six major world powers set off to the edges of the universe and were never seen again. She married a good man who had a house with a balcony, a white bicycle, and a radio which, on clear days, could pick up the radio plays that LLL1 Radio Magnum transmitted from Entre Dos Rios, and she waltzed in white satin shoes. The day that her first son was born a very pale green shoot grew out of the ground on the banks of the great lagoon.
(Main Series) Friendship is Magic #1-4 The Return of Queen Chrysalis (Major Storyline) Main Characters - Mane 6, CMC, Chrysalis Summary - Queen Chrysalis has returned, replaced all the citizens of Ponyville with changelings, and kidnapped the CMC. Will the our heroes be able to stop her before it is too late? Or will rising tensions between the friends spell out their doom? Quick Review - A worthy introduction to the comics with some fun character moments. Any comic drawn by Andy Price is worth checking out for the art alone. Chrysalis literally throws a kitten at a wall and it explodes into blood. 6/10 FiM #5-8 Nightmare Rarity (Major) (Highly Recommended) Characters - Rarity, Mane 6, Luna, Spike Summary - Rarity is overcome by insecurity and the fear that she doesn't provide enough to the group, and allows herself to be corrupted by Nightmare. As her friends rush to save her, Luna must overcome her own guilty past in order to defeat it again in the present. Quick Review - Nightmare Rarity's design is superb. So are the moon denizens. Katie Cook's writing style can lean into the absurd sometimes, but she knows how to do an emotional moment. We see how Luna earned her flowing mane. Spike saves the day. Trixie gets a few lines. 8/10 FiM #9-10 Zen and the Art of Gazebo Repair (Highly Recommended) Characters - Big Mac Summary - Big Mac has to find nails to fix his gazebo during the Summer Wrap-Up festival. But the world has other plans for him. Quick Review - Big Mac plays a wonderful comedic straight man. Seriously, the comic is hilarious, the art is amazing, and Big Mac is a chad. Dude has to fight off like four different mares fawning over him, including Luna. He just wants to repair his gazebo, for god's sake. 9/10 FiM #11-12 (Neigh Anything) Characters - Cadance, Shining Armor, Biff Tannen Summary - Discover the romantic tale of how Cadance and Shining Armor came to be. Can Shining Armor prove himself worthy to Cadance? Will she choose him over High School Gigachad Buck Withers? Probably. Quick Review - I enjoy it. Not much to say. Shining Armor belts out some Oingo Boingo for Cadance, and lord knows there is nothing more romantic than singing about how much you love little girls. (6.5/10) Annual 2013: Equestria Girls (The Fall of Sunset Shimmer) Characters - Sunset Shimmer, Celestia Summary - Sunset Shimmer is a magical prodigy. But Celestia will not further her teachings, because despite her prowess, the young sorcerer has much to learn. Sunset believes otherwise. Quick Review - To everyone clamoring for a proper Sunset backstory and motivation I am proud to announce that this is not it. It's unbelievably vague and generic. It pains me as a massive Shimmerfriend. Also, all the human designs look like ayy lmaos. More so than the show. Hopefully they pick it up in the next EqG comic... (3/10) FiM #13-14 (My Little Pirate) Characters - Fluttershy, Mane 6, Hoofbeard Summary - Fluttershy has become too attached to a fish she rescued, and regrets letting it go. So when a dangerous pirate arrives looking for a crew, she take it is an opportunity to reunite with her fish. Also a pirate adventure thing, Hoofbeard seeks a treasure behind a perilous journey. Quick Review - Utterly forgettable. I really cannot be bothered to reread it for a review. It was okay I think? (5/10) FiM #15-16 (The Book Worm) Characters - Twilight, Mane 6 Summary - A magical bookworm begins devouring his way through Twilight's library. That wouldn't be such an issue (except to Twilight), if the characters from to books didn't begin popping up in the real world. Now Twilight and co must take down the bookworm in it's own domain: The Realm of Books. Quick Review - I like Pinkie's fantasy world. Another just okay one. Lotta references to other media. Marvel, LoTR, Disney shlock, you get the idea. The void had some solid character moments for Twilight and Rainbow. (6/10) Friends Forever #1: Pinkie & Applejack Characters - Take a guess Summary - In the issue, Applejack and Pinkie Pie enter a baking contest, and culinary hijinks ensue. Quick Review - Rough start for FF. Predictable and silly. Art here is really not good. However, it does have Guy Fieri pony. (3/10) Friends Forever #2: CMC & Discord (Highly Recommended) Characters - CMC, Discord Summary - Discord takes the crusaders to increasingly dangerous dimensions in their search for a cutie mark. Quick Review - This one is super sweet. Some of the best Discord showing in the series. The CMC being some of the only ponies to understand and show gratitude towards Discord for his effort is so damn heartwarming. (8/10) Friends Forever #3: Celestia & Spike (Highly Recommended) Characters - Celestia, Spike Summary - Spike wants to get Twilight something nice for her birthday, but the gift he settled on turns out to be slightly hard to come by. He enlists Celestia's help in getting the gift for her student, a gift found deep in the dangerous Crystal Mountains. Quick Review - By far my favorite portrayal of Celestia. Lot of nice and touching dialogue between her and Spike, and some insight on Celestia's mindset as a ruler and teacher. Shame they went further down the "Celestia is an incompetent and petty klutz" route later on. (8/10) FiM #17-20 (Reflections) (Major) (Recommended) Characters - Mane 6, Celestia, Starswirl, Sombra Summary - Celestia has been secretly visiting another dimension for quite some time. A world where good is evil, and evil is good, and she has fallen madly in love with the benevolent King Sombra. A world where she and Luna are villains threatening to take over both dimensions. And it's all her fault. Quick Review - This one is super polarizing. For me, it's a collection of great ideas utilized poorly. The mirror dimension is a very interesting concept that I wish would be re explored. And i'm content with all the characters. But the climax, touching as it maybe, kinda dampens this one for me. Still, (7/10) Friends Forever #4: Twilight & Shining Armor Characters - ^^^^^ Summary - Twilight Sparkle is worried her and Shiny have drifted apart since their foalhoods. An opportunity presents itself to rekindle when her and Shining Armor team up to catch a ghost that haunts the Crystal Empire palace. Quick Review? - Turns out, there are a lot of FF comics, and a lot of them are pretty inconsequential. There are only so many times I can say, "It was cute. I liked it." before that gets redundant. So unless I have something more to say, i'm gonna reduce these to just Rating and Summary. Pretty good tho. (6/10) Friends Forever #5: Fluttershy & Zecora Summary - Fluttershy and Zecora try to figure out why Fluttershy can suddenly hear her animal friends talk. Spoilers: It was Discord. Go figure. Rating - (4/10) Friends Forever #6: Rainbow Dash & Trixie Summary - Rainbow Dash is called upon by a newly crowned Queen Trixie to perform for a kingdom of Diamond Dogs. Turns out being Queen isn't all its cracked up to be. Rating - I mean, it's got Trixie. (6/10) FiM #21-22 (Manehattan Mysteries) (Recommended) Characters - CMC, Babs, Trixie, AJ, Rarity Summary - Doesn't need one. Trixie and Babs are in it. Go read it. Quick Review - The relationship between Babs and Trixie here and they parallels they draw from each other are pretty great. I always love those kinds of strange character interactions. (7/10) Friends Forever #7: Pinkie & Luna Summary - Princess Luna seeks Pinkie Pie's help in making ponies laugh so she can participate in a Royal Event. Rating - (6/10) Friends Forever #8: Applejack & Rarity Summary - Typical Rarijack episode, road trip edition. Rating - It introduces those stupid bull cowboys. For that (4/10) FiM Issue 23 (Pets to the Rescue) Characters - Angel, Winona, Opalescence, Owliscious, Gummi, Tank Summary - When there owners are nowhere to be found, the pets team up and must set out to find their owners and assist them in whatever magical conundrum they may have found themselves in. Quick Review - I think the villain here would have been really interesting in almost any other scenario. Other than that, minimal dialogue, and the art isn't exceptional, so (5/10) Friends Forever #9: Granny & The Flimflam Bros Summary - Granny Smith helps Flim and Flam patch things up after they have a falling-out over a mare. Rating - This one is pretty wholesome. (7/10) FiM Issue 24 (Discord in Time) Characters - Discord, CMC, Flutters Summary - Discord take the CMC and Flutterbutter on an a journey through time to show them some animals. Hijinks ensue. Quick Review - Another really nice Discord issue. He isn't use to having all these friends and watching out for them in his chaos, so he drags them along in his dangerous adventures. He then immediately forgets this lesson. (7/10) Friends Forever #10: Fluttershy & Iron Will (Major) Summary - Fluttershy helps Iron Will with has marital problems. Rating - (6/10) Friends Forever #11: Rainbow Dash & Spitfire Summary - Rainbow Dash helps Spitfire overcome her greatest fear: Children. Rating - Art style is cute, but super jarring. (6/10) FiM #25-26 (The Good, the Bad and the Ponies) Characters - AJ, Mane 6, Bulls Summary - Doesn't matter. Quick Review - Don't read this one. Seriously, it's bad. Nothing really makes sense. Applejack has some sort of brain defect. Twilight arbitrarily cannot use her magic on Equestrian citizens. Even when they are dangerous criminals, apparently? (1/10) Friends Forever #12: Pinkie & Twilight Summary - Twilight tries to help Pinkie overcome her harrowing cocaine addiction. When that fails, Twilight starts doing coke herself to make the guilt go away. Pinkie stops doing coke for like five minutes, and Twi considers that a success. Rating - (4/10) Equestria Girls Annual 2014: Holiday Special Characters - Humane 6, Sunset Shimmer, CMC Summary - The holidays are nearing, and Sunnybun is feeling pretty down in the dumps. The girls try to cheer her up by inviting over for a few nights of debauchery. This cheers her up a bit. So, the Humane 5 go home on the shortbus and Sunny walks home, finally content with herself. Meanwhile the CMC decide that Sunset is keeping them from spending time with their sisters(?) and start a social media account in her name, called Anon-A-Miss, which they use to spread explicit photos of their sisters from the "sleepovers" and frame Sunset. Everyone in the school begin to tragically suffer from severe mental deficiencies and buy it immediately. Because the chick who just saved all of your sorry asses from soul sucking harlots like a week ago is going to post shit about her friends with her fucking face attached to the account. Quick Review - I really wish I could shit on this more, but I got quite a bit to get through. (-3/10) Friends Forever #13: Rarity & Babs Seed Summary - In the issue, Rarity must entertain Babs Seed when Sweetie Belle falls ill. Turns out Babs idea of entertainment is different than Rarity's. FiM #27-28 (The Root of the Problem) (Major) Characters - Mane 6, Bramble, King Aspen Summary - The Everfree spontaneously begins protruding into Ponyville. At the root of this problem, the druid-esque Deers who wish to reclaim the parts of their forest that were lost. Quick Review - The Deer are really neat, and having them be the night elves of Equestria is a fun concept. But the deer people kind of get the shaft, and most of the story focuses on the avaricious minotuar Well-to-do. (6.5/10) Friends Forever #14: Luna & Spike Summary - In the issue, Princess Luna enlists Spike's help in solving a dragon problem in Fillydelphia. Rating - Luna and Spike spend three pages together, and the rest of the story is focused on an annoying pink fangirl dragon. (4/10) Friends Forever #15: Applejack & Mayor Mare Summary - In this issue, politics are boring. Rating - (5/10) FiM Issue #29 (Ponymania XXIX) Characters - Cheerilee, Cherry Blossom Summary - Cheerilee reunites with her twin sister—one of the most famous wrestlers in Equestria. But when Cherry Blossom gets injured, Cheerilee is forced to take her place in the ring. Quick Review - As with most Jay Fosgitt's stuff, cute, but a lot of fluff and not much to carry an interesting story. (6/10) FIENDship is Magic #1: King Sombra (Major) (Highly Recommended) Characters - Sombra, Radiant Hope Summary - Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance discover King Sombra's diary and learn of his rise to power. But before that, how he was a sickly outcast, a troubled young amnesiac whose only friend was the equally strange Radiant Hope, who still had imaginary friends. Quick Review - Much needed backstory for Sombra, and very well done at that. His connection to Radiant Dawn feels genuine, and his corruption by way of shitty crystal ball is absolutely tragic. My dude just wanted to go the Crystal Faire ): Also Princess Amore fucking dies. (9/10) FIENDship is Magic #2: Tirek (Recommended) Characters - Tirek, Scorpan, Sendak Summary - Tirek, young and ambitious, sneaks out of his royal families castle to visit the unhinged sorcerer Sendak to learn more about magic. Scorpan is worried about his brothers ambitions. Quick Review - Doesn't add much character depth to Tirek, but it's suitable. Presents a lot of cool ideas not explored as thoroughly as they could be. Leaves a lot up to interpretation and head canon. (7/10) FIENDship is Magic #3: Sirens (Non-Canon) Characters - The Dazzlings, Starswirl Summary - The fate of the world is determined by a music battle, and if the Dazzlings win, all is lost. This is not Rainbow Rocks. Quick Review - Not a single character acts in character, and while the other Fiendship issues are take themselves pretty seriously, this one is drastically different tonally and opts for comedy. Which really sucks, because I wanted actual backstories for the Sirens. Humor falls flat as well. (2/10) FIENDship is Magic #4: Nightmare Moon Characters - Nightmare Moon, Nyx (Not that Nyx) Summary - A recently banished Nightmare Moon attempts exacts revenge on Princess Celestia through the world of dreams. The Nyx, the keepers of the dreams, will not allow it. Quick Review - I much prefer Nightmare Moon as a manifestation of Luna's negative emotions over depictions a corrupting parasitic entity. Story is serviceable, a bit sad, nothing noteworthy. (6/10) FIENDship is Magic #5: Queen Chrysalis (Major) Characters - Twilight, Chrysalis Summary - The Mane Six visit the imprisoned Queen Chrysalis, who recounts her past exploits. Quick Review - Case of unreliable narrator here. Chrysalis implies that changelings are made of pure dark magic, which is an idea I actually quite like, but having them reform like they did would say otherwise. Story is sorta all over, like a Chrysalis anthology short. (6/10) Friends Forever #16: Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon Summary - Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon compete against the Cutie Mark Crusaders in a scavenger hunt. Rating - Smokin' hot goth pony makes an appearance. (7/10) FiM #30-31 (Ponyville Days) Characters - Rarity, AJ, Twilight Summary - Civil War over a land dispute or something, can't really be bothered with this one. Quick Review - As far as I remember, this is one of the issues that gives everyone in Ponyville a crippling case of "has to wear a helmet while outside". Dumbing down characters to make a story work is obnoxious. (3/10) Friends Forever #17: Twilight & Big Mac Summary - Twilight takes a trip into Big Mac's brain to learn how to focus as well as he does. Rating - (7/10) Friends Forever #18: Rainbow Dash & Fluttershy Summary - Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy go to their flight camp reunion. Rating - Pretty adorable. (7/10) FiM #32-33 (Night of the Living Apples) Characters - Mane 6, Spike Summary - Apples take over Ponyville. Our heroes turn into bats. This is not a crackfic. Quick Review - Batpony designs are pretty damn cool. Story is whatever. (5/10) FiM #32-33 (Night of the Living Apples) Summary - Rarity gets carried away when she goes into business with Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Rating - (6/10) Friends Forever #20: Luna & Discord (Recommended) Summary - Princess Luna helps Discord when he has trouble sleeping. Rating - Neat character dynamic. Good stuff for Luna and Discord. (8/10) FiM #34-37 (Siege of the Crystal Empire) (Major) (Non-canon) (Highly Recommended) Characters - Sombra, Mane 6, Chryssi, Umbrums Summary - A mysterious new villain brings several of the series' past antagonists together to attack the Crystal Empire. Quick Review - I want to keep my gushing about this one brief. The umbrum design and lore are some of the best things to come out of the comics. This Sombra is infinitely better than the one in the show. I definitely didn't cry at the end because i'm a big boy. (9/10) Friends Forever #21: Spike & Zecora Summary - Spike and Zecora save Ponyville from a disease, and only they are immune. Rating - (7/10) Friends Forever #22: Celestia & Pinkie Summary - Princess Celestia tasks Pinkie Pie with making the perfect cake for Princess Luna's birthday party. Rating - Barely any Celestia. (4/10) Friends Forever #23: Applejack & Fluttershy Summary - Applejack and Fluttershy become involved in the search for a legendary creature called the Pigasus. They must keep its existence a secret. Rating - No Kirin (5/10) Friends Forever #24: Rarity & Gilda Summary - Gilda enlists Rarity's help in designing uniforms for a new sports team in Griffonstone. Rating - (6/10) FiM #38-39 (Don't You Forget About Us) Characters - CMC, Diamond Tiara, Snips, Snails Summary - The Cutie Mark Crusaders, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Snips, and Snails become lost in the mountains during a class field trip. AB and Diamond Tiara are forced to learn how to work together. Friends Forever #25: Rainbow Dash & Twilight Summary - Rainbow Dash seeks Twilight Sparkle's help after her wings mysteriously vanish. Rating - Weird body horror. (7/10) Friends Forever #26: Shining Armor & Prince Blueblood Summary - Shining Armor is forced to work with Prince Blueblood on a diplomatic mission to Yakyakistan. Rating - Holy shit they made Blueblood redeemable. (8/10) FiM Issue #40 (Twilight meets Spike) Characters - Twilight, Spike Summary - You know, it's exactly how it sounds. Quick Review - Very cute. (7/10) Friends Forever #27: Pinkie & Granny Smith (Recommended) Summary - Pinkie Pie offers to help Granny Smith after she breaks her hip right at the start of cider season. Rating - Precious. (7/10) FiM Issue #41 (Rainbow Dash and the Very Bad Day) Characters - Zecora, Rainbow Summary - Rainbow Dash is being a c**t, and enrages literally everybody else in Ponyville. In other words, they captured her character just right in this one. Quick Review - I like rhyme schemes, but I hate bluefast. (4/10) Friends Forever #28 Princess Luna and the Cutie Mark Crusaders Summary - The Cutie Mark Crusaders assist Princess Luna during a foal slumber party at Canterlot Castle. Rating - I like bone pony. (6/10) FiM Issue #42 (A Pinkie Pie Story That Pinkie Pie Kinda Sorta Remembers) (Recommended) Characters - Rarara, Ponker Po Summary - Pinker Pop, still cooling off from her ten month long cocaine binge, tries to help Rarity make a gift for a friend very special to her. Quick Review - Very cute, very funny, cried. (8/10) Friends Forever #29 Rarity and Maud Pie Summary - Rarity assists Maud Pie in her rock science interests and helps her discover her inner enthusiasm. Rating - Nice Maud character development. (7/10) FiM Issue #43-45 (Ponies of Dark Water) (Major) (Recommended) Characters - Mane 6, Luna, CMC, Spike Summary - The Mane 6 bathe in cursed waters and become distorted versions of themselves. Pinkie Pie becomes a domestic terrorist. Quick Review - I like the part where Pinkie bombs a movie theater potentially killing dozens of ponies. Hilarious. (8/10) Friends Forever #30 Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance Summary - Twilight Sparkle helps her sister-in-law Princess Cadance when she suffers from an unexplained lack of self-esteem. Rating - I quite like this little arc for Cadance. (7/10) Friends Forever #31 Rainbow Dash and Little Strongheart Summary - Little Strongheart seeks Rainbow Dash's help in finding a legendary creature called the Rainbow Crow. Rating - Little Strongheart, where ya been for six years dude? Beautiful art. (7/10) Friends Forever #32 Fluttershy and Daring Do Summary - Daring Do enlists Fluttershy's help in uncovering an ancient treasure. She must also face her arachnophobia. Rating - Better than the actual Flutters/Do episode. (7/10) FiM Issue #46-47 (Election) Characters - Twilight, Mayor Mare, Donald Trump Summary - Mayor Mare struggles in her bid for reelection, against definitely not Donald Trump guys I swear. Quick Review - Haha I lied, but like I totally got you though right? Like it was super subtle? I bet you didn't even catch on. (5/10) Friends Forever #33 Applejack and Cherry Jubilee Summary - Applejack learns the secret history of Cherry Jubilee. Rating - Cherry Jubilee is pretty hot. (6/10) FiM Issue #48-50 (Chaos Theory) (Major) (Recommended) Characters - Discord, Starlight, Mane 6 Summary - An astronomical event causes Discord to transform from a creature of chaos to a being of pure order. But not all is at seems with the newly minted Accord. Quick Review - Starlight gets one arc throughout all of these comics. luckily it's pretty good. She gets some good character growth. Accord is pretty god damn terrifying. Actual sound logic is used to best the villain, which is pretty rare. (8/10) Friends Forever #34 Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich Summary - Pinkie Pie and Cheese are eaten by a possessed party house. Seriously. Rating - (6/10) Friends Forever #35 Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer Summary - Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer's attempt to organize the books in the Castle of the Two Sisters turns into a battle of egos. Rating - This would have been much better is not illustrated by Fosgitt. It doesn't suit this more weighty type of story. (7/10) Friends Forever #36 Rainbow Dash and Soarin (Recommended) Summary - Rainbow Dash follows Soarin to a remote location to help him with a dangerous mission. Rating - Great Soarin and Spitfire moments. (8/10) Friends Forever #37 Rarity and Trixie Summary - Dude, it's got two of the best pones. Read it. Rating - (7/10) FiM Issue #51-53 (From the Shadows) (Major) Characters - Mane 6, Donut Steel Summary - The edgiest OC to ever exist begins to erase Equestrian history from books and minds, in fear of his heritage catching up to him. Quick Review - Super interesting villain motivation, terribly generic villain design. (7/10) My Little Pony: Deviations Characters - Prince Blueblood, Mane 6, Nightmare Moon Summary - Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Prince Blueblood was sent to Ponyville instead of Twiliight? No? Too bad, dude. Summary - I would have loved to have gotten more deviations. Read about Blueblood being an arrogant prick for half an hour. It's fine. (6/10) Friends Forever #38 Princess Celestia and Princess Luna (Recommended) Summary - Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's minor squabbling escalates just before they plan to participate in the Sisterhooves Social. Quick Review - Friends Forever Finale. Andy Price outdoes himself yet again. Hilarious and Heartwarming. (8/10) FiM Issue #54 (I Didn't Read This One) Summary - No seriously, didn't read it. Fosgitt, Fluttershy, fluff, the three F's of i'm going to be fucking bored. Maybe it's a masterpiece. I'll never know. FiM Issue #55-56 (Wings Over Yakyakistan) Characters - Rainbow, Rutherford, Ember, Spike, Pinkie Summary - When the dragons invade Yakyakistan over an ancient treaty, it's up to heroes to defend the Yaks and try and diffuse the situation. Spike doesn't like the idea of fighting his own kind. Quick Review - Let it be known that I would have been totally cool with the Yaks getting destroyed. Typical let go of the past, look to the future stuff. Rainbow's parents are here, and they are fun, and Spitfire gets a bit of extra love, so (7/10) FiM Issue #57 (Apinkalypse Now) Characters - Pinkie, Mane 6, Discord Summary - Pinkie Pie accidentally becomes trapped in Discord's realm. If you wanted to see more of Chaos Pinkie, then here you go. Quick Review - I really like the how the chaos dimension is shown in the comic, in that adapts to the current owner if they themselves can't be turned. You'll notice by this point the writers will do whatever in their power to make sure Starlight can be written out somehow. (7/10) FiM Issue #58 (The Vines That Bind) Characters - Twi, Flutts, Zecora, Cattail, Aqua Vine Summary - Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Zecora follow the notes of Mage Meadowbrook search for a flower said to cure any ailment. The search soon becomes an obsession for Twilight, determined to get her name in the history books. Quick Review - Dude, Twilight, you already saved the world at least seven times. That Magenta Bloom shit would just be a footnote. Overall pretty forgettable. (5/10) FiM Issue #59 (Pie in the Sky) Characters - Rainbow, Pinkie Summary - Jesus Christ Pinkie she doesn't fucking like pie. We had a whole episode about just this. We didn't need a comic to teach the same lesson. That's a;lso your review. (3/10) FiM Issue #60 (The Stars on Our Ponies) Characters - CMC, Gilded Lily Summary - The Cutie Mark Crusaders help a filly who doesn't want to follow in her family's footsteps. But she is scared to disappoint them if she does pursue her own interest. Quick Review - Gilded Lily's design is absolutely adorable. She also looks like she tastes pretty good, like Oranges n' Creme. Solid one-off. (7/10) FiM Issue #61-62 (Convocation of the Creatures!) (Major) Characters - Twilight, Raven Summary - Twilight Sparkle makes a discovery during the largest assembly of creatures in history that threatens to redraw the map of Equestria. Quick Review - Glenda canonically has a stutter, making her best changeling. Good bit of overbuilding in this one, without falling into the common trap of making the convocation feel too modern. (7/10) FiM Issue #63 (All in Marederation) Characters - Twilight, Pinkie, Temperance Summary - Ponyville gets swept by an anti-sugar movement that threatens to put Sugarcube Corner out of business. Quick Review - MLP's thinly veiled take on the Temperance Movement. Another one where all of Ponyville is turned into exceptional individuals. (4/10) FiM Issue #64 (Everything Old) (Recommended) Characters - Rarity, Fluttershy, Coco Pommel Summary - Fluttershy and Rarity travel to Manehattan, where Rarity discovers that old, ugly fashions are back in style. Quick Review - I absolutely adore the message here. Things you made when you were younger that you maybe embarrassed of now don't have to be cast aside and forgotten. Rather, look to them to see how you have improved and how you can still improve. Coco is a QT. (8/10) My Little Pony: Legends of Magic Annual 2018 (Major) (Recommended) Characters - The Pillars, Pony of Shadows Summary - The Pillars of Old Equestria face a new danger that tests their skills as a team. One that they may find feels a bit like a deja vu. Quick Review - I really like the relationship between Stygian and Rockhoof here. I wonder if Starswirl was always meant to be a dickhead? Green Pony of Shadows looks badass as fuck. Also, Somnambula is cute as hell. (7/10) Edit - Consider there are twelve of these. I am not awake enough to add them all. Read' em. They're pretty good lore stuffs. FiM Issue #65 (Queen for One Less Day) (Recommended) Characters - Celestia, Scarlet Petal Summary - Princess Celestia disguises herself to live among ordinary ponies for a day. But when her magical necklace is stolen by a thief, she may lose the ability to turn back into herself for good. Quick Review - I love this comic. Shows off the best parts of Celestia's character. I'm running out of synonyms for heartwarming, so just go read this one. (8/10) FiM Issue #66 (Applewood Follies) Characters - Mane 6 Summary - Twilight Sparkle and her friends discover that a film is being made about them. But when the director hands them the reins, they discover it's harder to make a movie than they thought. Quick Review - I'm really not a fan of more modern tech in Equestria. I don't mind it at all if it's used as a background gag, but here, where it's the plot of the comic, I just find it obtrusive. Ponyville Mysteries Issue 1 Characters - CMC, Nurse Redheart Summary - "Welcome to a new series of mystery and intrigue! The Cutie Mark Crusaders discover their inner detectives and solve crimes nopony else can! Will they be able to discover who is stealing supplies from Ponyville hospital and get their schoolwork done at the same time?" Quick Review - None of these are particularly engaging, so I won't review the rest. When I figure these mysteries out all by myself like the grown man I am I feel particularly proud, like I just solved a crossword puzzle they have on those Kiddie menus at iHop. Ponyville Mysteries Issue 2 Characters - CMC, The Dude Summary - "There's a major mystery at the... bowling alley? Ponyville's team is set to break a bowling record, but the alley keeps being ransacked by a mystery criminal! Will the Cutie Mark Crusaders be able to set the pins right and solve the caper?" Ponyville Mysteries Issue 3 Characters - CMC, Old People Summary - "The Cutie Mark Crusaders must solve a dangerous mystery at the Ponyville Retirement Village before it's forced to close! Is one of the curmudgeonly residents to blame or could it be a villain from their past?" FiM Issue #67-68 (Tempest's Tale) (Major) (Highly Recommended) Characters - Tempest, Cadance, Glitter Drops Summary - Tempest Shadow travels across Equestria to learn more about friendship and comes face-to-face with her past. Quick Review - These issues do wonder for Tempest's previously scarce character. If your a fan of Tempest, or especially if your not a fan of Tempest, check these out. Smug Cadance is best Cadance. (8/10) Ponyville Mysteries Issue 4 Characters - CMC, Applejack Summary - "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are trying to solve the case of the missing spa water! But what happens when all signs point to a member of a Crusader's own family being the culprit?" FiM Issue #69 (Magical Apple) Characters - Pinkie, Mane 6 Summary - Pinkie gets god powers. Again. Didn't we do this already? Quick Review - Oh, Pinkie, maybe someday somebody will figure out how to write you well again. (4/10) Ponyville Mysteries Issue 5 Characters - CMC, Rarity Summary - "The Crusaders have their biggest case yet when a priceless artifact belonging to superstar Songbird Serenade is stolen!" FiM Issue #70 (Extreme Bingo) Characters - Golden Horseshoe Gals, Rainbow, AJ Summary - Grannies Gone Wild 2! Quick Review - Grannies Gone Wild 2! (5/10) FiM Issue #71 (Happy Haunts) Characters - Student 6 Summary - Twilight Sparkle's School of Friendship students experience Nightmare Night in Ponyville for the first time. Things don't exactly go as planned. Quick Review - I hate this issue. Not because it's bad, but because we are teased with infinitely more interesting stories. I want to see the princesses on Nightmare Night, like the cover! I want to see Shim and Glim's NN, like on the first page! Fucking cocktease. (4/10) FiM Issue #72 (Pie in the Sky, Again) Characters - Pinkie, AJ, Pear Butter Summary - Applejack discovers an old Apple family pie recipe and seeks to recreate it for Granny Smith. Along the way, they meet ponies who her mom has touched in her life. I wouldn't mind being touched by Pear Butter. Quick Review - Standard. Wholesome. Sweet. (7/10) My Little Pony: Nightmare Knights (Major) (Highly Recommended) Characters - Luna, Stygian, Trixie, Capper, Tempest, Daybreaker, Eris Summary - Princess Luna assembles a team of former villains to face a new threat to Equestria. Quick Review - I cannot recommend this arc enough. Every single character gets a chance to shine. Stygian gets much need development. Eris and Daybreaker make a menacing evil duo. The villain casino makes a great setting. Sunset Shimmer gets a cameo. (Even though her and Starlight are once again shafted.) Capper absolutely steals the show. Tempest is a bit more brutish than she usually is, but as we don't know much about her anyway, that's a very minor gripe. (9/10) FiM Issue #73 (Copycats) Characters - Fluttershy, Twilight Summary - A magical amulet causes Fluttershy to become more animalistic. Quick Review - I have no idea what the fuck what went on in this issue or why. It's a mess. (3/10) FiM Issue #74 (On the Mane Stage) (Recommended) Characters - Zephyr, Fluttershy, Silverstream, Pixie Cut Summary - Fluttershy's brother Zephyr Breeze attends the All-Equestria Mane Styling Conference. Quick Review - Even Zephyr Breeze can snag a qtπ hairstylist gf. There is hope for us yet, bros. Could you tell i'm down a third of a bottle of Grey Goose by this point? (7/10) FiM Issue #75-78 (Major) (Recommended) Characters - Cosmos, Twilight, Discord, Fluttershy Summary - The Mane Six's quest for the fallen stars of a missing constellation puts them on a collision course with their most galactic adversary yet. Discord's clingy ex wife who still hasn't received any child support. Quick Review - They don't even bother to write Starlight out anymore. She just doesn't exist. Cosmos isn't as fun of a villain as Eris or the Storm King, but she's serviceable. I do like her design. Discord puts his past behind him for good physically and metaphorically. (7/10) FiM Issue #79 (The Ponyville Anniversary Spectacular) (Highly Recommended) (Major!) Characters - Sunset Shimmer, I don't know I don't remember the rest Summary - Fuck you it has Shim Sham. Quick Review - Sunnybutt jams out on a guitar at the end. (11/10) My Little Pony: Spirit of the Forest Characters - CMC, Filthy Rich, Diamond Tiara, Mayor Mare Summary - Something about a forest mystery? Quick Review - Lackluster follow up to the amazing Nightmare Knights. Stop giving the CMC mini series you hacks. (4/10) FiM Issue #80 (Live-Action Role Pony!) Characters - Mane 6, Bulk Biceps Summary - The Mane Six play a live-action role-playing game. The usual Pinkie hijinks ensue. Quick Review - I'm so use to using LARP as an insult now, it's weird to see it in an endearing manner. Fun little adventure issue. (6/10) FiM Issue #81 (Pretty Fly) Characters - Scootaloo, Rumble, Rainbow, Wind Sock Summary - Scootaloo and Rumble learn about the only Earth pony to become a member of the Wonderbolts. Quick Review - Heartwarming. Seriously, someone get me thesaurus. (6.5/10) FiM Issue #82 (Dog-Dog-Dogged Determination) Characters - Rarity, Mane 6, Celestia, Cerberus Summary - Rarity is tasked with giving Cerberus obedience training after he leaves his post at Tartarus again. Quick Review - Dude, Rares, never change. (6/10) FiM Issue #83 (The Strange Case of Silver Blaze) Characters - Twilight, Spike Summary - Twilight Sparkle and Spike investigate when a famous racing tortoise goes missing. Quick Review - Less Sherlock Holmes and more Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. This is a good thing. (6/10) My Little Pony: Feats of Friendship (Major) (Recommended) Characters - Student Six, Swift Foot Summary - Come one, come all, to the School of Friendship's very first sporting event-the Feats of Friendship! As Sandbar, Smolder, Gallus, Ocellus, Yona, and Silverstream prepare for the new competition, they realize they're going to need one more pony to round out their team. Enter Swift Foot, a mysterious new exchange student! But will she help strengthen the Young Six's bonds of friendship-or just drive them apart? Jealousy threatens our favorite youngsters in this brand-new miniseries! Quick Review - This is by far and away my favorite Student 6 depiction in the franchise. It shows off very well how far they have come and how well they work together as friends and individuals. Swift Hoof makes for a great antagonist, trying to plant seeds of resentment but realizing that it doesn't work on the students and realizing her own faults. Dom Athenian Warrior waifu also included. (8.5/10) FiM Issue #84 (Identity Crisis) Characters - Ocellus Summary - Ocellus struggles to complete a big project for the School of Friendship midterm. Quick Review - Man, I wish my problem was that I was so booksmart I had trouble fitting it all into my creative outlets. What a fucking struggle that would be. But I understand wanting to be a perfectionist, and that sucks. Amazing insight as usual by me. (5/10) FiM Issue #85 (Apple Bobbing) Characters - AJ, AB, Big Mac Summary - Applejack teaches Apple Bloom the meaning of courage by telling her the story of how she conquered her fear of the water when she was little. Quick Review - A whole lot of touching moments between AJ and AB. A very cozy little story if you ignore the giant spider. (7/10) FiM Issue #86 (Marble and a Hard Place) Characters - Maud, Marble Pinkie Summary - Pinkie Pie and Maud Pie help their sister Marble make friends by helping her throw a party. Quick Review - I love the Pie family, dude. The chemistry between them is something we don't get to see often enough. (6.5/10) FiM Issue #87-88 (The Fast and the Furriest) Characters - Big Mac, Rainbow, Angel Summary - Rainbow Dash and Big McIntosh take part in the Draytona Breach 500, which an antiquities dealer uses as cover to smuggle a priceless artifact. Quick Review - Meh. (6/10) I can finally pass out now.
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